


Making Lunatic Hana Laugh

by honeyseizen



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Bottom Kim Jongin | Kai, Fluff and Crack, Light Angst, M/M, Romance, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Shameless Smut, Smut, Swearing, Top Do Kyungsoo | D.O
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-03-02 08:50:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13314708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeyseizen/pseuds/honeyseizen
Summary: "Because in any of the universes I don't want to forget Lunatic Hana" his lips trembled. "And my mom and my dad and my grandpa and my grandma and Sehun and Jongdae and Chanyeol and Baekhyun and even that goddamn Minho and- and you.""Me?""You.""Why?""I love the boing boings," I said. I blinked my eyes slowly. "of my heart."





	Making Lunatic Hana Laugh

**Author's Note:**

> Important Note
> 
> Before you start on reading there are few things you need to know. This story was written in Turkish not long ago. I, the translator of the whole fic, am a reader too. I’ve liked it so much and because I was eager to find something to translate, this happened. 
> 
> The start of all these was so abrupt even the author and I are still in shock. It took us months and many exchange of ideas. The whole process exhausted me and gave me lots of stress as the time passed but I made a good friend along the way and I’m grateful for that.
> 
> We spent lots of time discussing about the story and some cultural differences. One of the things you should know is the word “Lan”. As you’ll see, Jongdae calls Jongin as “Lan Kim Jongin.” Lan is a word in the meaning ‘hey, mate ect.’ but it’s a slang so its not a formal saying. I think that’s all…
> 
> Also, sorry for any grammatical mistakes in advance.  
> I hope you all like the story as much as we did and cared.
> 
> Songs For The Fic 
> 
> Kim Feel - Youth  
> Sufjan Stevens - Mystery of Love   
> Erkin Koray - Seni Her Gördüğümde   
> Pinhani - Nehirler Durmaz  
> Zion T - Wishes  
> Louis Armstrong - La Vie En Rose Arctic Monkeys - I Wanna Be Yours   
> Erkin Koray - Öyle Bir Geçer Zaman ki

**1\. I am lost. Like a shadow. I'm standing but I'm on the ground.**  

My dad believes that everything has a heart of its own. In extenso the whole universe, each and every planet, all the galaxies and even his own feet have a heart. Even feet that is covered with dirt and sand, even the hot sand, even the worms that do flip flaps under that boiling hot sand. To me he may has got a point but he's not saying this to be right or to prove anything to anyone. My dad only likes the romance of Amelie and the idea of the deterministic universe that we made ourselves believe to be in, to collapse into our heads.

It has been a very long time since I gave up caring what my dad thinks, now if they bother me in an extraordinary way I don't give a single damn. Because I, contrary to my dad, prefer the warm, familiar touch of the asphalt instead of being under the boiling hot, unsecured, full of worms sand. The idea of my own deterministic universe collapsing into my head only makes me anxious. The idea of every possible end of a movie and every possible closing of a book is being experienced in another universe like it’s a peace of cake and without any precondition sickens me, I feel like I am being broken into my atoms and my dear god, it makes me feel grief and regret towards those scientists that tease out that poor atom's life. I disapprove of them and I highly worry, because having more than one ending means that my ass is not safe. 

My ass is not safe and oh dear, I hate the idea of my ass not being safe and sound. Still, I love this place where its white walls make it look like it’s a part of hospital but it actually being a faculty of literature, where my ass is never safe. My dad says every hospital is also a faculty of literature, he says literature is fed with the sadness and sorrow. If faculty of literature were a clinic it would be a gynecologist, I say to my dad. Because It’s already 2k17 and no longer you can smell the poetry inside of its hallways, its only sex now. Our faculty handles the eighty eight percent of the active sex life of our campus on its own. Everyone watches someone's ass, everyone likes someone's ass. That's how it goes in here and my sweet ass is not safe at all.

But I still love this faculty, I feel like it's a glass ball that I can breath freely inside. I associate myself with a grass man, it's fertilizer gets the 100 percent shit of this world and it stinks, but still, I am a grass man and this fertilizer makes me feel alive. This is a faculty like this, all in all, its not one of those big campuses in big cities. Its ranking is nowhere near the top ten and its teachers are not that extraordinary. Except one. Do Kyungsoo. The most perfect man this universe can have it. I adore him. I love the every single bit of him, his fine ass, his fine mind, and every twist of that fine brain of his.

That's the way I like him. Do Kyungsoo, The professor of English Language Literature. He comes for our fiction writing lessons, he is 35 years old. He has straight black hair that stays neatly on his clear forehead. Eyes like glass beads, black glass bead eyes that take you into their trans once you look at them when they are wide open. And a very shameful detail but, his shiny red lips that makes me obligated to meet my hand, at least once a week. His beautiful lips that adorned with his always frowned and serious brows. He likes to wear his black, always perfectly ironed pants, round collar black shirts and again black blazers. But once in a while, he wears dark blue jeans combined with his high based new balance shoes and a white shirt that he folds the arms. In times like this I keep nibbling lemons. "Take this and suck it you jerk." Jongdae hands me half a lemon. "You're gonna pass out anytime soon." 

"It's not like that." I say puckering up my lips. I purse up my lips whenever I lie, that's what my mom says all the time. "I just appreciate his gentleman manners and I take his well made victorious posture as an example in every aspect of life." He gives me that look from where he bends over the amphitheater desk, one brow arched high, an expression that looks like he is pouting. But actually he is not doing any mimics. "Lan Kim Jongin." He says later. "I didn't understand a shit from what you just said, but that was still the gayest shit I have ever heard."

Then I rolled my eyes at him. I always roll my eyes at him. Jongdae is only one of my best friends, the others are Chanyeol, Sehun and Baekhyun. We all study in the same faculty. Baekhyun likes being very noisy, drinking and getting wasted and dozing off on Chanyeol's lap. The duo lives in the same place. Because Jongdae and Sehun make use of everything, they take advantage of their house too. I also spend at least good 2 to 3 days in that house every week. If there is anyone who is more of a loser than Losers' club, that's us. In seven days of the week, twenty four hours of the day, throughout the whole circle of life, we lose. Chanyeol describes the whole faculty of literature as a group who touch themselves. If it was for him he would've wanted to draw stuff. He can't draw for shit by the way. Probably the best thing he can draw is his right hand, and that's only because he sees it at least five days a week. There are two things that Chanyeol can do regularly, one is masturbation and the other is making sure Baekhyun is alive. 

Baekhyun and Chanyeol are childhood friends, rich since forever. Even their fates are written with gold powder. Sometimes when Baekhyun sneezes diamond cuts flows out of his nostrils, that rich. They don't have any traumas, wounds, parts without love and any special qualities. They are just rich. Baekhyun's literature adventure is an effect of him being a rich spoilt brat. The result of I can do whatever I want bullshit. Chanyeol's is completely geopolitic, Baekhyun's fault. He likes literature as much as he likes his piss that drips on toilet, but Chanyeol is like a rare found gold fish. He dies when you take him from his habitat and put him somewhere else and Baekhyun is his natural habitat. In his build, there is masturbation, being gay and Baekhyun.

Jongdae is just like me, he doesn't know why he wants to study literature. He says he just felt like it. He will probably be an assistant in English literature department in the long run, his grades indicates that already, he is the best in class. He studies because he just couldn't find anything better to do. And when he gets bored, he and sehun go hunting for sex and girls. Sehun writes poems that you wouldn't expect from him and they are gold. He is unexpectedly good at this, journals fight for his poems.

For my part, I am Kim Jongin, Jojong, KimJong, some say Jong, some say lan Kim Jongin. I am the second best in class. I continue living with my parents in this small town and my only success in this world is being the second best. My dad refuses this with all his heart, and not with only his one heart, he is doing it with the hearts on his feet as well. You have those small things in you too, he says, I never questioned whose son are you anyways. What do I have, I answer. You know, he says again, those things that do flip flaps. Then he continues putting rice inside an uncooked chicken and when he gets his hand stuck in, he calls my mom for help. My mom is a third degree harsh penalty judge, she is the most plain person I have ever seen in my life. She is like a red thin paper, not a single stain. If she wasn't my own mother I would think she sleeps with her suit and heels still on. But she is my mom and, dear god, I want to believe she takes them off at least when she sleeps. She wears those goddamn shoes even when we go out to our backyard where we clean every Sunday. I don't call her shoes goddamn when I'm with her because even though she is a red thin paper she is also a violence lover lunatic. 

When you put her whole life in front of me, she mostly likes to whop her dreamy and above his pink cloudy universe god knows since when, delirious painter husband and then me who can neither fly nor land, can't walk straight but also can't run down a hill, extremely mysterious and aimless goal of a son. Because my mom, who I believe lets go off her high heels only when she goes to sleep, that stainless thin paper, that violence lover lunatic is perfectionist in everything. But her delirious painter husband and her aimless son are two dark spots in her clear fate. Maybe her fate has no spots but her spots have fate, that much of darkness. But my mom who is a Virgo woman, is also a Pisces woman. Her ascent is Pisces and I know she will crack anyone's throat who says a bad word to us, at the best possibility, and that's because she knows how to get a good cause discount.

Every night before going to sleep, she finally takes of those goddamn heels in the most perfect, sacred, magical and my favourite time of the day and before going under the blankets she comes to my room with those small and crooked feet of hers. Her always cut in the same place under her chin, black hair finally becomes free for the first time in that day and falls to my face from where they usually stay at the back of her ears that has two gold earrings, when she leans down to kiss my nose. (Sometimes, she would use to get off her bed bare feet in the middle of the night to cover me up in my blankets until when I was sixteen and we made eye contact under the moonlight while I was jerking off in my bed. Since that terrible incident, that tradition is a captive of the past tense.) That's why she can wear that goddamn high heels even when sleeping. Because she can kiss my fresh out of puberty, greasy, dark nose without caring if I'm sick or not. And I, just because of this fact, stopped nagging about her crooked feet. My mom may not have those things that do flip flaps inside of her. And maybe my dad loves the fact that my mom doesn't have those things that do flip flaps and maybe my mom loves the fact that my dad has those things that do flip flaps. I don't know.

I don't have those, at least my mom says so. Do you think I have those things that do flip flaps, I sometimes ask her, inside of me I mean. Things that do flip flaps? She asks looking up from her file. She has her glasses on her, the transparent ones that always cut her eyes in the middle, are you poisoned my love? No, I say, dad said he has those things in him that do flip flaps. Then she laughs with a low voice. She doesn't laugh a loud unless the nights we give her madness. They must be worms, she says, you couldn't stay still if they did flip flaps. 

I don't have those things that do flip flaps inside of me, that my dad claims to has. And I don't have those things that do flip flaps outside of me, like the ones on my mom that make people risk their necks looking at her. I am that kind of a person, I don't have that magic that makes all the heart goes boing boing boing and boing. I am the last cigarette in a pile of smoked and half smoked joints. I describe my life just like this. In any aspect of my life or in any line of my ongoing record I will never be able to leave a mark more than I can do with chairs while pulling them like chip chap chip chap chip chap chip and chap on a hardwood floor. 

I don't have my high high high and high hills, or my plain plain plain plainness. I'm lost. Like a shadow. I'm standing but I'm on the ground. How should I know. How should I know.

**2\. Thoughts that I rejected about me, they become my own enemy**  

"I'm gonna make jazz on the radio." Chanyeol said.

"What did you say?" Baekhyun turned to Sehun. Sehun said, "That I was married." 

"I'm gonna make jazz on the radio." Chanyeol said again. "I'm tired of being a miserable snail." 

Baekhyun laughed. "Are you in love with your wife?" He joked. Sehun laughed and said, "A lot." Then he turned to Chanyeol while spinning a water bottle and asked, "What? You want some water?"

"Jazz." Chanyeol repeated. "I said I'm going to make jazz on the radio."

"Uh FUCK!" Jongdae yelled from a three hundred meters distance. Baekhyun turned to Jongdae. "Damn," he yelled back from where he sits. "Who is it now?"

"Are you gonna eat that?" Sehun muttered taking my cake plate, he swallowed the half in one take, I shook my head.

"Jazz." Chanyeol said. I couldn't take his blabbing anymore, I secretly pointed out hyunsik who was checking Baekhyun out in the most afflicted way from two tables away. He flamed up with all his might and got a sloppy handful off grass from the ground and tried to put them in my mouth. "Fuck off you bastard."

"Fuck fuck fuck!" Jongdae started running around while pulling his hair like a mad person, thus he became the winner of the afternoon. Getting all of our attentions to the little burnt on one side, yellowish paper he's holding, Jongdae dived next to Sehun. He was wailing like there is no tomorrow while trying to get his breathing into control and with every try he would sob three times more without caring getting his snot everywhere. "You look so ugly, my dear." I said to Jongdae, then I turned my head and said, "We're fucked." To Chanyeol. I spitted out the grass that got stuck on my tongue.

"Son of a bitch." Blurted out Baekhyun, his brows arched high, like he can't believe his eyes. "Me?" Chanyeol asked with a sad expression. 

While Baekhyun was rolling his eyes, Sehun laughed like he had breathing problems. "Why are they calling him son of a bitch, again?" 

"Look," Baekhyun said, he took the paper away from Jongdae and threw it to Sehun. "Read it out loud." 

"Put your jacket on." Chanyeol whispered towards Baekhyun with his hurt voice. "It’s getting cold."

Sehun took the note and showed it to us. "I am a son of a bitch. A genuine, sincere son of a bitch even. I'm not saying this based on the number of cocks I've tasted. I have tasted many of course, but that only makes me a faggot, not a son of a bitch. The fact that I don't know what makes me a son of a bitch is the exact reason what makes me a son of a bitch. 

I don't know what makes me a son of a bitch. There is only one thing that I'm sure of, and that's I'm a son of a bitch. I am not interested in what you are, I am only interested in this note that you found, which comes from this son of a bitch. 

You have twenty four hours to give me your best dialogue. The back of this paper is belong to you and your dialogue. No drafting and no erasing. Here you go dear Jongdae, I know you have been threatened with your naked photos all year, I have copies of them too and I am threatening you to not give you a bit of the money I gave for each photos, unless you send me your best dialogue. Leave the paper where you found it at the exact time you've got it. Lots of love, son of a bitch."

When Sehun was done reading, all that left was silence. Then Chanyeol stood up elegantly and started clapping. While catching him from his collar Baekhyun asked, "What the fuck are you doing?" 

"Oh, wow." Sehun said. 

"That guy is a freak." I gasped.

"Lan Kim Jongin." Jongdae sniffled while wiping his snot on his arm. "More of a freak than you."

"A freak with asthetic taste." Baekhyun said after releasing Chanyeol to aside. "He used a good perforator and burned the side of the paper. Also his writing is neat." 

Sehun kept looking at the grass while blinking slowly. "You have naked photos?" He asked Jongdae. Jongdae gave him a tired look.

"What the hell am I supposed to do now?" He made his frame smaller and smaller.

"Just write something down." Baekhyun said. "It's a curse of three years."

"Who's doing this?" Chanyeol asked. Sehun kept watching the grass. Half of the cake was still on the plate. "Why would they do this?"

"Rumor has it, he is one of the seniors." I said.

"He became a senior this year." Baekhyun commented. "You know that author guy, the one who is mad famous. He calls himself Holden Copperfield. No one knows who he really is." 

"Watch your mouth." I said frowning.

"Jongin adores him." Chanyeol said. 

Baekhyun rolled his eyes. "He adores everything he can't reach." He said afterwards. 

"At least I don't fart on what I can reach." I said. He told me to fuck off, then settled down a bit later. 

"They say, he is looking for someone with a good potential to train personally. He gives an open address every year, like a competition. He has only one condition, that you give him your best dialogue. Even two sentences are enough. He claims to not have any other conditions, but he hasn't chosen anyone for five years."

"So?" Chanyeol asked. "Has he problems in bed or something, What kind of bullshit is this?"

"How should I know?" Baekhyun said rolling his eyes. He mumbled something about that no one was like him.

"And, that alleged senior student also adores him, just like this meathead Jongin. He tried every way for this. Three years ago he came up with this method. He finds everyone's private information, sends this paper one by one. I think he knows each of their potentials or he picks randomly maybe. He expose some even though they send what he wants. Or they just happened to be exposed and they blame on this guy, I don't know."

"Lan Kim Jongin." said Jongdae, still crying. "If only I had listened when you said let's go and watch porn the day before the English literature exam. Then I wouldn't have done best."

"What can I say?" I said to him. I put my hands behind my back on the ground and gave my all weight to my arms. "You are absolutely right." 

"And you could be the first in class." He sobbed. "Then the note would come to you first and I would have time to prepare." 

"He'll get a note in less than a week, believe me." Baekhyun said. "I hope you didn't film yourself while squeezing your own tit." 

"I wish I had one while my professor Do Kyungsoo squeezing my tit." I said. "A video."

"Lan Kim Jongin." Jongdae said. "That was the gayest shit I have ever heard." 

"Why don't I have it?" Sehun asked, his eyes was still locked on the ground. Beside him there was the half cake that he ate in one take. He finally faced Jongdae. A heart was being broken into pieces. Chip chap chip chap chip chap chip and chap. "Your naked photos."

**3\. ''A lonely cigar butt, inside a little pretty box.'' -Foer**

 "So much shitty stuff." I said to jongdae without taking my head from his lap. He nodded while giving me a piece of apple he was peeling at the moment. 

"Chanyeol," Baekhyun called for him. He was giving weird looks to the notebook Chanyeol was holding. "What are you doing?"

"Jazz." Chanyeol responded. Sehun snorted with laughter and he pulled his knees to himself and made himself smaller in where he sits between Jongdae's legs. "Really shitty stuff." I said as I bit the apple core with my molar teeth. "If I had that light in the first place I would send it to my dear Holden myself already, Why would I give them to that son of a bitch." My tooth filling was aching so bad. 

"Don't make jazz Chanyeol." Sehun said and snorted with laughter while shaking back and forth.

"That sounds so ugly." I said chewing the apple slowly. "Doesn't this guy have another nickname?" 

Jongdae shrugged. "Lan Kim Jongin." He said afterwards. "Would you send it for real?" 

"No," Baekhyun said. "of course he wouldn't."

"Yes," I said. "you are absolutely right."

"Why not?" Sehun said turning his head. "I hate to admit it to your face but you are even the favorite of Do po-faced Kyungsoo. I haven't seen you dropping off from the highest marks in Fiction Writing."

While giggling to myself, "Leave my professor Do Kyungsoo out of this." I said. "Or else I will not be able to give you a proper answer." 

"Lan Kim Jongin." Jongdae called again. "That was the gayest shit I have ever heard." 

"Now that, son of a bitch hasn't called out you, you should definitely send it, man." Sehun advised. "I'm not encouraging you for nothing." 

"With that disappointment I can't even die, let alone living." I said refusing immediately. "I have a heart too." 

"He's right." Baekhyun said as he leaned back. He was still eyeing Chanyeol, scowling. "Even son of a bitch didn't give a chance to our boy."

"Lan Kim Jongin." Jongdae began. "The guy tested everyone on amphitheater, except for you." 

"He must've forgotten." Chanyeol suggested. "Maybe." 

"Or maybe Jongin here, is a plant." Sehun said. "And he couldn't find anything to dishonor his name." 

"Yes." I said blinking my eyes slowly. My perception level dropped drastically. I started chewing and blinking slower. "He must've forgotten."

"Lan Kim Jongin." Jongdae babbled. "He had forgotten for sure. You are one lucky guy."

"Or maybe," Baekhyun began, he had half a glint in his eyes. "he is sure from the start that Jongin doesn't have that light inside." 

Chip chap chip chap chip chap chip and clash.

"Just a schizophrenic with a dirty mind. They say he hadn't sent to Minho either." Sehun said while glaring at Baekhyun.

"Minho is the last in class." I objected.

"The guy is too unstable. He must've forgotten." He said this time.

"So much shitty stuff." I mumbled. "Who gives a fuck about him." 

"Yes," Jongdae agreed. "Lan Kim Jongdae." He said then. "Do you want an apple?"

"Yes," I answered. "Then go get your own." Sehun said. "Go get me one too." 

"Nope," I said as I straighten up. "I'll eat at home, I'm going." 

"Cinderella." Baekhyun groaned. "It’s past midnight, go back to your mama." 

"Of course I'll go back." I said. "Let those idiots sleep on your sheets that you farted."

He told me to fuck off and I did. But not because he told me to, I was going to leave anyways. The way home was silent because, dear god, I was wandering around with no purpose. I had Baekhyun's coat on so I was not cold. After throwing it from a window while yelling at me, he closed the window as he cursed. I was hurt but I act like I wasn't. Not because Baekhyun swore, he swears all the time. But because son of a bitch didn't give me a chance. 

When I got home I found my mom sitting under a gloomy light with a book on his lap. There was a blanket on her and she was half asleep. My dad was snoring at the sofa next to her. I just stood in the doorway for a moment.

"You can sleep now." I said then. "I'm home." 

"I was not waiting for you my love." She replied. I caught how her knuckles relaxed as she let go of the phone that she was holding so tight.

"It shouldn't bother me." I mumbled towards my mom. "That's a good thing he didn't try me."

"Maybe it's not." She said. "If it bothers you." 

"I don't have any," I said. "of those things that do flip flaps."

"Maybe you have." She answered. "You seem to can't contain yourself." 

Then, for the rest of the night, I didn't say a word. She didn't say anything either. The next day I was the first one to submit his paper in fiction writing and even the fact that I will see less of the face of my professor Do Kyungsoo didn't stop me from doing it. Or his cute surprised face that gave me the urge to kiss him right on the mouth by pulling him by the collars.

"Professor," I wrote, in a paper in where there should've been a part of a diary of a forty five year old woman living in the nineteenth century England. "I don't have those things that do flip flaps inside of me. I'm afraid I lost the trust in myself that I can make the hearts go boing boing boing and boing. I can contain myself professor. I can contain myself and that breaks me more than any clumsy person can break any sapphire glass in the entire world."

  **4\. LA VIE EN ROSE**

"Yes." My dad said that afternoon. "Let's see if I get this right. So you say, you are dead like those things, like those weird things that gave their last breaths eight hours ago."

"Yes," I said. "Can you move a bit this way? You are blocking my sun." 

"Weather is cloudy dear." He answered as he put the big hedge shears into the pockets of his work wears. He wiped the imaginary sweat from his forehead. "And you are sitting at a sun bed wearing a cowboy hat."

"What's wrong with that? You act like you sweat." 

"They don't wear cowboy hats." He said as he bend over the rose sapling again. "Those things who are as dead inside."

"It's not like you can say something about it." I muttered as I sighed. "That's true. I'm telling you the truth."

"Emet hi haşeker hatov beyoter." He said and threw me the towel that was hanging on his shoulder. 

I frowned. My tooth filling was still aching. "What was that?"

"Hebraic." He answered.

"You also know Hebraic?"

"Maybe." He said. "I don't think so." He shook his head and squeezed his eyes as he looked through the sky.

"Aren't you gonna ask what is the meaning of it?”

"I know," I said. "the meaning of it."

"You do?" His brows arched high. "What does it mean then?" 

"Truth is the most trustworthy lie." He smiled. "I read the same book too." 

"You do know." He said as I was getting up. "Then why did you ask what was it?"

"You looked so eager." I said as I shrugged. "I love you enough to shut up and listen what you gotta say even though I know it already." 

"Yes dear." He said. He crotch down by pulling the lower parts of hi work wear. "You have those things that do flip flap inside of you. I have no doubts." 

"Alright," I groaned. "I'll go and get a brush and palette now." 

"You will?" He asked without looking at me. "Why would you do that?"

"Because you have," I said. "Those things that do flip flaps. If I also have them I shall be able to make. A magnificent painting."

"The fact that you find my paintings magnificent makes me happy in uncountable ways." He scowled first then smiled. "There are five billion people on earth my dear." He said. "And those five billion people has five billion different finger prints. Because each of their flip flaps do flip flaps in different ways, you know?"

"It’s actually seven." I commented. "There are seven billion people." 

"Yes," he replied. "That only makes my thesis more believable." 

I scowled and moved a bit from where I sit. "Mom is about to come." I said. "You haven't cooked the beans and you are still working on your sapling that will never bloom."

"It's not a sapling." He responded. "It's a rose." 

"Sapling." I said. "It didn't bloom yet."

"It's a rose. I don't need to see it bloom to say it’s a rose dear. It's a rose." 

"My tooth filling is aching." 

"That's why I'm not letting you get a juice."

"I'm also hungry."

"I’ll order falafel."

"Mom's going to kill you." I said.

"Yes," he replied. "I love this." 

**5\. ''Don't tell everyone everything, you'll start missing them eventually.''**  - **Salinger**

Ten years ago around midnight, when I was eleven years old or so my parents came home with a blanket in their arms, and I still remember how terrified I was. They had brought home something so little, a little girl. It had looked like I could've taken her whole hand with only my two fingers. She had had an orange blanket that looked so fluffy and she was crying constantly. Every time she sobbed, tears would flow out of her eyes drip drop drip drop drip drop drip and drop. 

It was the time when I had refused her whole existence with my whole existence and thrown myself at the swings in the backyard where there were many fireflies and frogs making noises. And I had had zero desire to catch them. My grandpa was sitting at the swing next to mine. His feet were on the ground, he was a petite, bald man. His shoulders were always looking down. She is so tiny, I remember telling my grandpa, how can something so tiny can hold that much water? I don't know, he had said, her mother was just like her, always crying like crazy. Little lunatic.

"Would there be too much noise?" I had said afterwards. "I also want to cry myself overmuch." 

"Overmuch?" He had replied turning to face me. "Is your pervert dad teaching you these?"

"Yes," I had answered. "But pervert is not that a pleasant word. I prefer if you don't use it."

"I won't tell on your mom." He was watching the warm that was sitting on his knee with eyes without focus. "You can cry if you want." 

"Why would you do that favor?" 

"Because I love you." He had said. "You are not lunatic at all." 

"Was my mom a lunatic child?"

"No," he had smiled. He would rarely smile. "She was such a well-behaved girl. She would never cry."

"But you just said," I had corrected him. "that she would cry just like this lunatic inside." 

"Inside?" He had asked turning to me. "Is there someone inside?" 

I had sighed and as I was turning I had accepted that I was all alone in this pained state of mine. My grandpa had had alzheimer and had died two years after the blanket ball's first entrance. While I was crying Mom had said he died in a car accident. It was the second time I saw her wailing like that.

But according to my dad the thing that killed my grandpa was not a car accident. He had turned into thirty-five years old again, he had said, and he had thought that your mom was nine years old again. He ran to the middle of the road suddenly, to get cotton candy for her. My grandpa is dead, I had mumbled, How did you make this up? Because there was a cotton candy seller in the next pavement, he had said again, I didn't make this up. I was about to protest but lunatic had started crying again. Lunatic, I had groaned but I still had gone to the next room to get her rattle. Just be quiet for a while my love, I'm trying to understand something.

She has a name, had said my dad. Call her the right way dear, her name is Hana, please repeat. Yes, I had replied, Lunatic Hana. As soon as I had said it, she had burst out laughing. This had made dad laugh too. She loves you the most, he had said, she adores you. Later that day her laugh and what dad said made me cry like an idiot. The thought of someone, especially that little creature loving me enough to adore me. I even had thought what could make me cry the most in this world was the beautiful laugh of her.

Then, one year later, lunatic Hana proved me wrong. She died because of the infection in her blood and I learned with a sad experience that what can make me cry the most was not her laugh but the lack there of. Lunatic Hana would cry until falling asleep and she would like the most to make people cry until falling asleep. 

Two years after her death, the morning I started my new high school, maths teacher had asked me if I have any siblings. I have, I had said. Even though she hadn't asked I had added, her name is Lunatic Hana. Every time I see a cotton candy seller, I cross the road. I still have a fluffy orange blanket in my room, and I still tell everyone I have a sister even when they don't ask, and I quickly add, her name is Lunatic Hana. 

Drip drop drip drop drip drop drip and drop.

**6\. ''You're gonna get sick. I'm already sick. You're gonna get sicker.** ''  **-Foer**

"Lan Kim Jongin." Jongdae called. "Your nose is running." 

"No," I replied. "it's staying in its place." 

"Lan Kim Jongin." He called again. "Didn't you say you catch a cold?"

Getting my pillow under where he puts his hips, "Can you please move your ass for a moment?" I began, "Do you have to believe everything I say?" 

"You could've said this before I came here." He said finally moving his hips. "Lan Kim Jongin, I only came cause you said you are sick." 

"I have told you I'm sick because I wanted you to come here." He raised his brows and got a strawberry that my mom brought and put it inside the chocolate bowl. 

"He asked about you." He said while chewing the strawberry. "Do po-faced Kyungsoo."

I stood up from where I sat immediately, I felt the sweat running down my spine. "Why didn't you say this earlier?" I said as I put the pillow under him again. I put a strawberry inside the chocolate bowl for him to eat. "I want to hear everything he said, word by word." 

"Mister Kim," he stopped biting his upper lip, raised the stick in his hand like it was sacred and blinked slowly while staring at the blank wall. He cleared his throat and gave his voice a romantic taste. "Do you have any information about the whereabouts of Mister Jongin?"

"Oh my, Jongdae." I said collapsing, "I think I just came." 

"Ew," he said and looked at my body in bed with disgusted eyes. "Lan Kim Jongin," he said after, "That was the gayest shit I have ever heard." 

"You are absolutely right." I said and sat up from where I was laying down. "What did you say to him?" I asked. "How did you answer?" 

"What was I supposed to say?" He got another strawberry and shrugged. "I told him that you have hemorrhoids." 

"Fucking shit." 

"Kidding." he said snorting like Sehun. "I told him that you are going through burnout syndrome."

"Great." I murmured. "Now I'm like the person who say they use antidepressant in the first date."

"Lan Kim Jongin." he exclaimed. "You did that already."

"I hate your goddamn memory, dear." I said. "Didn't he say anything else?" 

"Nope." He put his one leg under the other one. the shirt he's wearing is mine. "He talked about Son of a bitch a little. Minho got a note too."

Chip chap chip chap chip chap chip and clash.

Minho got a note too. Minho got a note too. Minho got a note too.

"He said we should not worry and they are about to find who's behind it and all the same bullshit that's been going on for years."

"Don't talk about him that way." I said. I had a hard time swallowing.

"Last note is Minho's. He wrote him he is counting on Minho." 

"Minho is the last in school in success." I mumbled.

"Definitely." He replied. "Lan Kim Jongin, I can't believe he forgot about you."

I stayed quiet for a moment. Last note is Minho's. Last note is Minho's. Last note is Minho's.

"Jongdae." I called as he was biting a half banana. My left eye twitched. "Can you come to school with me?" 

"I can." he answered. "Don't we always go there together?"

"Now." I insisted. My eyes were burning.

"But the school is closed." he told. "Guard won't let us in."

"I can get in." I bit my quivering lip. Last note is Minho's. "If you keep him busy enough."

He dropped the banana like he lost his appetite. "Get up you bastard." He said. "Fucking hell."

"Yes." I replied. "You are so right."

Then, we didn't exchange any more words. When we got to school he turned to me and "I came with you." he said. "I came with you, not because you are sick. I know you are not. I came because you wanted me to."

"Yes."

"You get this right?" He asked.

"Absolutely, dear." I answered.

Then, later that night, Jongdae kept the guard busy like I said. I got into the building and went to the amphi. When I went back out, next to Jongdae who kept whining he was about to get hemorrhoids because of the stress, I had already made a mess on the board that my Do Kyungsoo left clean as always. 

_Get off that suitcase you bastard._ That was what's been written in the board. _Those pants are not yours._

_Affectionately Son Of A Bitch_.

**7\. stubBORN HEART**  

When my professor Do Kyungsoo called me to his office I was about to piss my pants because of excitement. Baekhyun said that I'm always about to piss my pants, that I wait till I can't stand. I told him that I'm not interested in his goddamn aggressive motherly feelings. He told me to fuck off, he always tells me to fuck off.

When my professor Do Kyungsoo called me to his office he was wearing a white shirt. That's been tucked inside his pants, under his big ass belt buckle, a perfectly ironed, arms folded shirt that is as handsome as he is. One of the good ones that makes me day dream over his arms around me just like how the cloth is wrapped around his arms and that gives me a nosebleed. How his jeans looks tight around his hips, wanting his obvious bulge before mine and his thumb inside my lips was something new and also something not so new. Because despite all this, his expression while calling me to his room and my shitty timing gives me anxiety in number of ways.

It was the day after I wrote that note on the board. The very first lesson, the time before the arrival of my professor Do Kyungsoo, Commonly seen as sacred, for me miserable time zone. Everyone was looking at the board over and over and giggling. Baekhyun just eyed over the board briefly and turned to me. "Why did you write something like that?" He asked. "Jongdae, dude," I said to him immediately. "Can't you shut your goddamn mouth just for once?" 

"Jongdae didn't say anything." Sehun said from where he was scrolling through paper. "He made a bluff and you bought it, dummy."

"Fucking shit." I replied.

"That was a bluff too." Chanyeol said. "Jongdae had already told us all that you brought him to school with you like a lunatic, in the middle of the night."

"Don't say that." I said. "That word breaks my heart."

Baekhyun slapped Chanyeol's neck while frowning, "I have a mint chocolate in my bag." He said like he just did the world's most normal thing. "You want some?"

Him speaking to me like a normal person, as he does so rarely, broke my heart more than him speaking to me like I'm not a normal person and even though I was craving for a piece of mint chocolate I said, "No." to him. "I don't want your mint chocolate."

"Fine," he responded. "I was not gonna give you some anyways." 

And then, in that very moment, my professor Do Kyungsoo came in and stopped for a life time for me. He was standing there in a way that can satisfy my need for luxury with the way his Dior watch swings in the air and with the sound his Gucci shoes make on the floor. He put his leather Gucci bag on the rostrum. At the same time Jongdae poked my arm and started talking. "Lan Kim Jongin." He hissed. "Wipe your mouth, I swear to god this is the gayest shit I've ever seen."

I didn't respond and watched my professor Do Kyungsoo standing there like the most glowing thing I've ever seen while having an orgasm. Then after putting his bag on the rostrum, my professor Do Kyungsoo turned towards the white board that I totally forgot about already, like he was missing something. He frowned, frowned and frowned some more and all of a sudden he turned to class again. His eyes found me immediately like he wants to rip off my balls and "Mister Jongin," he said. "Please come to my office after the lecture."

I couldn't say anything, I only looked him directly and nodded like a lost puppy. Sehun started snorting with laughter next me. His breathing hitched not long ago, Jongdae patted his back and gave him a water bottle. Baekhyun watched me smirking, I told him to fuck off. But my voice got too loud and I earned a disapproving look from my professor Do Kyungsoo. I'm so fucked, probably.

"How did he know?" Chanyeol whispered. Baekhyun answered him saying, "He capitalized the first letters. He felt bad using the word son of a bitch and he made clear that he used it as a name and that he has no other choice. Only Jongin does it out of everyone."

I looked at him with disbelief, he narrowed his eyes. "Lan Kim Jongin." Jongdae said. "You are really something."

I didn't say he was right. I didn't say anything actually because I was feeling uneasy like I was left alone naked. As my professor Do Kyungsoo was having a decent conversation with a student in his room, I was thinking everything from the start and trying to see what was the real reason for him to want me in his room. 

He had that gentle smile on his face every time he was seeing one of his students that makes me want to smash my lips on his. I was so distracted by his presence that I only realized that we are all alone in his room when his smile disappeared and he reached for his drawer. He didn't look at me, he was scowling and his eyes were cold.

My brows frowned without my realization and my eyes grew big as soon as I saw the cigarette box he was holding. I was literally in shock, my professor Do Kyungsoo wouldn't smoke. Even if he did, he wouldn't do it in his room. But my professor Do Kyungsoo kept proving me wrong and put a cigarette between his lips, and dear god, with the way he put the match at the tip of the cigarette, with the way how he sucked on it and made his lips look redder and with the way he frowned over it with gloomy eyes, he ended me in one of my dad's deterministic universes. 

He made a few fast steps from one end to another and he opened the window that was decorated with some Cactuses. He turned towards me and made me see the cocky smile on his face. "Do you want it?" He said out of nowhere. He didn't use the formal language like he always does and even though his voice made my legs let loose, I was feeling doubtful deep down.

"No sir," I answered.

"Yes, yes." He said. "Do you know why I wanted you to come here?"

"No sir," I repeated.

"Yes, yes." He said again. "Come here."

He eyed my now standing before him body with his arched brows. "Stop calling me sir."

I raised my brows. "Does it make you angry?" 

"No," he said with a low voice. He half laughed. "It turns me on." 

"What?" I blurted as I shook a little.

boing boing boing and boing.

"What?" He said and laughed again. "Did that make you angry?"

"No," I said honestly. My astonishment became more. "It turned me on."

"That's why I called you." He breathed in another hit.

"Because I turn you on?" My eyes grew big. 

"No," he said.

"Because you turn me on?" My eyes grew bigger. 

"No," he laughed. "Because you are honest."

"I don't understand." I gasped with shock.

"Did you write that thing on the board?" He asked.

"Yes," I answered.

"Yes," he shook off the ash of the cigarette. His smile turned into a sneaky one. "Say it to my face." 

"That I turned you on?" I couldn't breath.

"No," he said. "What you write on that board." 

"What?" My lungs started to burn with the air I took. "What, they were not meant for you, they were for,"

"Son of a bitch." 

"Yes."

"I am the son of a bitch." 

"What- I WOULD NEVER CALL YOU THAT OR ANYONE-"

"JONGIN!"

"IF YOU YELL MY NAME LIKE THIS YOU'LL TURN ME ON!"

"STOP YELLING!"

"I'm sorry, sir." I mumbled.

"You're driving me crazy." He said. He put out his cigarette aggresively. "I swear to god, I want to leave this fucking place already, but goddamn it, you shine so brightly."

"What," My voice cracked. "I can't follow you."

"I know." He said. "That's why it took so long." 

"And I can't believe you." I said. "I'm all over the place right now." 

"Yes," he replied. "I know that too and I can't help you. I'm the one who sent all the notes." 

"I never got a note." I shook my head. "Maybe it's not-"

"Jongin," he breathed out loud with disbelief. "I'm the one who sent those notes to everyone in department, except you. Get it? I'm the son of a bitch."

"WHAT?!" My voice echoed in his room. "WHY?" 

"Because," he said. "That's what my big fat cock wants."

"THAT WAS SO NASTY." 

"And I'm a nasty person."

"AND WHAT YOU DID IS AN EXTREMELY-"

"Jerk move."

"YES!"

"Good," he said. "That kind of a guy I am." 

"YOU CAN'T USE A SENTENCE LIKE SON OF A BITCH AS A BAD WORD BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY HAS NO MEANING ITSELF, THAT'S SUCH A-"

"Yes," he nodded. "You are absolutely right."

"WHY-"

"Because," he took a look at my hips that are leaned over his desk and bent over my red and lunatic face. "That's the only way for no one to suspect me."

"Why?" I asked. "WHAT FOR?"

"Because I want to get the fuck out of here. I don't want to live the rest of my life here, as an ordinary professor that has no end or beginning. I need prestige and fame! If that egoistical bastard Holden Copperfield wants someone to train then it might as well be one of my students."

"If only you wanted it properly." I said with my quivering bottom lip. "If you wanted it properly we would try our best to give you our best dialogues!"

"No," he said looking at my lips briefly. His body odour was burning my nostrils. aphrodisiac guy, I thought to myself, goddamn it. "Haven't you ever heard anything about fear of life, I don't know a better way other than blackmail and fear."

"THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT A COLD HEARTED MAN WOULD SAY."

"Yes," he agreed. "That kind of a guy I am."

"THIS IS DESTROYING ME."

"Stop yelling, god." He breathed in angrily. I blinked my eyes.

"Do Board of Directors know?"

"Know what?" He asked. He put his hands at both sides of mine. Boing boing boing and boing. "That I want you a lot or that I blackmail my students with the nicknameSon of a bitch." Boing and boing. My heart exploded. He leaned down to my face. "Both answers are no."

"So..." I mumbled. I couldn't swallow the lump in my throat. My eyes landed on his lips. "Am I here to have sex?"

"Probably not." He said. "Would you do it if that was the case?"

"Yes," I answered. "I can strip." 

He laughed and took a step back from me with closed eyes. "It's you." He said. "If Holden will choose someone it will be you, it has to be you."

"No," I refused. "You didn't even send me a note." My voice sounded crocked. "I don't have those things that-"

"Do flip flaps."

"Yes, I don't have them." I said. "And you didn't even send me a note."

"You are glowing." He said. "You already said that."

"Yes," I repeated. "I remember saying you didn't send me a note." 

"I needed to push you a little." He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me towards him. "And pull."

Boing boing boing boing and boing. "What are you doing?"

"I'm pulling." He said smiling. 

He sighed slowly and put his nose around my neck. "Oh god," I breathed. My heart has exploded. "I think I just came."

He laughed. "I'll raise you." He said then. "Holden will pick you, I'll raise you like that."

"NO!" I yelped. And ran. "NO NO NO!"

"I'll make your school take longer." He said. He frowned aggressively. "I'll make you suffer 'till you die and even your sweet ass won't stop that."

"When do we start?" I asked. My eyes grew wide with fear. "To lessons."

"Good," he said nodding. My hands started shaking. "I'm scared." I said. "And I don't really want that."

"I know." He replied. "Tell me something I don't fucking know. There is none. You can leave now."

"No," I said to him. "I'm sure there is something, I can find-"

"Jongin." He said. He sounded warning. "If you don't want me to lie you down on this table get out."

"Yes," I said nodding my head. "I would love that." 

"OUT!" He roared.

I made myself out of the door and dear god, I was shocked to realize how my heart can beat with so many emotions all at once. Then I saw Baekhyun who was sitting on one of the chairs next to the door. I wanted to tell him everything that just happened but my legs went numb all of a sudden. "Come here." He said. "I heard everything."

"Definitely," I said. "You are definitely not the first person I want to see after this horrible moment."

"Yes," he replied. "That's why I came."

I dropped myself on the chairs and my head on his lap. I bent my knees to myself. "He surprised me." He said.

"I thought I was gonna die." I mumbled. He didn't say anything else and he put his hand on my hair. He gave me pieces of his mint chocolate in the half an hour time we were sitting there.

  **8\. Tell me what to do**

When I came back home around five past thirty two on a Wednesday night, I found my mom sitting in a way different than his normally lofty position on a chair in the kitchen with his cigarette. She was wearing her pink satin night gown, one shoulder bare. His shoulders are never bare. Her hair was all over the place, her hair is never all over the place. Also her eyes were out of focus. My mom only loses focus when she thinks about Lunatic Hana.

"Mom," I called. I always call her mom. That's a magical word that only me and Lunatic Hana can use and divides us from others by a wordless agreement and that gives us full permission to demand love. "you are smoking."

"Yes my love." she said without taking her eyes from where they stay. "Would you like to have one?"

"Why is everyone asking me if I want their goddamn cigarette today?" I blurted out. And I regretted immediately. "Why are you wearing a pink night gown?"

"Because my night gown is pink." she said. "You shouldn't be friends with people that tries to give you cigarette."

"Would you look at that?" I said. "I'm being a son to one of them." she laughed, half hearted. "Why did you buy a pink one?" I asked. "Wasn't there a black one?"

"No, my love." she answered. She wrapped her one arm around her waist. She held onto herself and smoked a big hit. "There was a black one but I got the pink one."

"You like black." I said.

"Yes," she said. "but your dad likes pink."

"You shouldn't act the way others want you to."

"No dear." she said. "If it bothers me to act the way others want me to I should not do that."

"So?" I asked again. "Does wearing this pink gown make you happy?"

"No," she mumbled. "But it makes your dad happy."

"Where's dad?"

"He went to the exhibition." she said. I sat onto the other chair next to her. "We had a fight."

"Again?" I asked. "He didn't cook the beans today either?"

"No," she shook off the ash of the cigarette. "He made an awesome dish with them."

"He didn't close the toilet seat then?"

"No," She replied. "he did."

"He left the bathroom wet?"

"He wiped everywhere perfectly."

"Is he bad in bed?"

"No my love," she said and laughed. "He is extremely healthy."

"These are the fundamentals to look for in a man. If its none of them then why did you fight?"

We didn't speak for a moment. "Your dad said," She then began. She put out her cigarette. "that I'm not happy."

"Then you are not happy." I said. "Why does he fight you?"

"He can't make me happy." she said. "That's what he said."

"So?" I swallowed. "Can't he?"

"No, my love." she said. "He makes me the happiest woman on earth."

"Why is he speaking like a pervert then?" I got quiet. "Excuse me. I forgot that he is your husband for a moment."

"I was appointed today." she said. "To city center."

"Are you moving out?" My eyes grew big.

"I declined." 

"Why?" My eyes grew bigger. "Don't you love your job?"

"Your dad is happy here." she said. "And you have your school."

"I'm an adult." I said. "You shouldn't act according to what others want, that's your career. This place is not what you deserve anyways."

"No dear." She shook her head violently. "I'm happy here because you're happy here."

"You graduated as the first in school." I said. "Why did you stay here?"

"This place inspires your dad." she said. "What he does is magical. He draws because that's the only way he can live. Being in here won't kill me but not being in here will kill him, dear."

"What are you, Superwoman? What kind of a sacrifice is that?"

"You don't get it dear." she smiled. "I don't want to be happier in a place where Hana is not there. That would sadden my child. That would sadden her a lot."

Drip drop drip drop drip drop drip and drop.

"I can't be." she said again. "Everyone lives for something. I live for my children." she sighed and kissed my nose drip drop. "I can't be happy without my children."

"Lunatic Hana is crying." I said.

"I hear her." she replied. "And I adore this."

 

**9\. Night before the night**  

"The guy turned out to be a total pervert." Chanyeol said.

"An handsome one." Baekhyun added. "Yes," Sehun agreed.

"A very handsome pervert." Jongdae said. "Not that much." Sehun said. He swallowed hard.

"That much." I mumbled. "And a bastard as much."

"What will you do now?" Chanyeol opened another can of beer. "Will you really let him tutor you?"

"Yes," Baekhyun said and grabbed the beer out of Chanyeol's hands. "That's your seventh. Take it easy." He sighed slowly. "The guy threatened to make him study longer."

"But he is a pervert," Sehun said. "What if he rapes you or something?"

"I strongly believe that his ass is in more danger." Jongdae said. "Jongin is head over heels for him."

"That doesn't make me a pervert." I said. "That only makes me a good mannered lover."

"Are you in love with him?" Baekhyun asked.

"I don't know." I put the cold beer can next to my cheek. "You can never be sure about love until one embraced other's soul. Maybe its only a physical thing."

"Lan Kim Jongin." Jongdae said. "Do you want him up in your ass or not?"

"Yes dear," I answered. "I do."

"That makes you a pervert." He took a big sip from his beer. He put his weigh on Sehun suddenly. "Lan Kim Jongin." He said after that. "That was the gayest shit I've ever heard."

"Aren't your scared?" Chanyeol asked. "I would be. Don't ever go this house or anything."

"Why not? It seems like a good place to have sex."

"Stop thinking with your goddamn cock and start thinking with your brain for once." Baekhyun said. "You said you are scared. I heard it myself. Why aren't you admitting?"

"Because of the same reason why you are not admitting." I replied. He told me to fuck off. One of Sehun's arms got around Jongdae and he put his chin on his head. "Alright." I said later. I sighed heavily as I leaned on the couch behind me. "I'm scared and a little disappointed."

"Because you saw his inner monster?"

"No," I shook my head. "Because he is the monster. Such a scary guy."

"Lan Kim Jongin." Jongdae said from where he lays. "Did he make you sad?"

"Maybe." I said. "I don't think so. Oddly, I'm not sad."

"Why?" Baekhyun narrowed his eyes. He looked at me like he was looking at my soul.

"There are so many different voices inside my head." I said. "All of them whispering that it's not what it looks like."

"They can kill one," Baekhyun said. "those voices."

"Exactly those voices?" Chanyeol blinked a couple of times. Baekhyun turned to him this time.

"Voices of hope and conscience." He replied. "It's not what it looks like. That's not the life you want. The voices that keep whispering that everything's gonna be okay."

"What's wrong with thinking that everything will be okay?"

"It's not wrong." Baekhyun blinked and turned to him completely. "It's dangerous."

"They are better the ones that keep whispering everything will turn out bad. They are the ones that kill a man."

"More dangerous than the voices that whisper everything will turn out bad." He said.

"Why?" he asked. He was angry.

"Because," Baekhyun began. "Everything will not be okay."

"Why not?" His voice shook. "Why the hell not?"

"If you don't have the courage to pursue your own dream, nothing will be okay." He said. "Those dreams don't just come and let you be."

"Everyone can't have the same-"

"Opportunities are made with sacrifices."

"Sacrifices hurt." Chanyeol said.

"Exactly." Baekhyun said. His voice got softer. "But not as much as regrets."

Chanyeol got quiet. We all got quiet. "Let's order pizza." Jongdae suggested then. He was unaware of Sehun's lips that was giving butterfly kisses to his hair. "We can't eat all." I told him. "It's past eleven."

"Let's order three." He said. He picked up the phone. "We'll split." Chanyeol took a sip from his beer, then put it down.

"One margherita. I'll share with Baekhyun." He got up. "I'm going to the loo."

"No," Baekhyun said before he left the door. "All supreme."

Chanyeol turned to him. "You don't like supreme." He said.

"No," Baekhyun responded. He looked at Jongdae again. "All supreme."

  **10\. Young, weightless and broke**

 "If you keep blowing right before my nape I can't write a goddamn word." I said. I turned my head to the side and looked at his heart shaped red lips and dear god, I know I would spend my whole fortune and future to smash those lips without any regrets.

"Is that so?" He replied. "What happened to appendices of respect? Did you swallow them like you did to those cakes?"

"If I knew you would count them I would eat according to that, professor." I frowned. "If you wanted appendices of respect you shouldn't have blackmailed me and give away your true personality."

"I didn't blackmail you." He opened his already big eyes wide and moved his hand that holds my seat. His fingertips brushed my back. "I'm not forcing you to have sex. I'm just tutoring you. What's wrong with you?" 

"Wasting time." I began. "Can you stop blowing at me for a second please." I blinked angrily. "You are wasting your time, I'm wasting my time and dear god! This is driving me insane!"

"Just because there is no one but us in the library doesn't mean you can shout." He said. "I don't care about your personal traumas. I won't stop until I get what I want and you are the key to that."

"That was- That was such something!"

"A dick move."

"Yes!"

"That's also on your benefit. I win, you win. See? How is that a dick move?" His frown got deeper. "No, you don't get it." He said. "You're still just a child. Try to get mature a little."

"Oh really?" I responded. I turned towards him completely. "Is Chasing after faculty rumors for whole three awful years and using them for blackmail with a nickname called Son of a Bitch, what maturity is? You think you can outsmart me?"

"Did you take a bravery pill?" he asked me lifting his brows. "What's up?"

"No!" I responded. "I may look-"

"Naive."

"Yes!" I sighed angrily. "I may look like that but I'm not. This is called crime! I don't have to respect you!"

"You would melt in my arms in three seconds if I kissed you right now." He said and came really close. Suddenly. Boing boing. "You want to sleep with me but you don't respect me, is that so?"

I bit my lips, inhaled abruptly. "Yes," I answered. "I want to sleep with you." I closed my eyes and opened them again. "however, that doesn't mean I can't hate you."

"Alright," he said. He backed off with his visible tight chin. "Why don't you walk away now then? You can easily do that."

"Because-" I began. "Because-"

"Because you are miserable for every word I say." He said suddenly. My breathing got stuck, he opened his eyes wide with fury. "because, the thought of not having those things that do flip flaps kills you. Because you are dying to have those things that do flip flaps. That's why you are so needy for my words. You are scared of being nothing Jongin."

I inhaled deeply and held it in. My eyes grew big, my hand found where my heart is. "Because you are nothing." He said. His nostrils opened with rage. "You are scared of being nothing until death. You are nothing and that frightens you."

I couldn't swallow. "That's so-" I said. My voice was at its weakest state ever. I tilt my head. "That was so-"

"Cruel." He finished it.

I nodded. He sighed tiredly. I didn't say anything, he didn't say anything. I then left the table without any of my belongings. He didn't ask where I was going, he didn't stop me either. I couldn't go far anyways. I went outside the library and collapsed on the pavement. I put my elbows on my knees and my head on my arms. I stayed there for minutes, maybe an hour, I don't really know.

When he came to me, sun had already set. He kicked the ground first. Then, he sat next to me and lit a cigarette. I looked at him.

"That was so cruel." I said. "And it hurt a lot."

He nodded. "Because it was real." He said. Then we got quiet. We didn't share another word until he smoked all of it.

"I have a brother." He said out of nowhere. He stared at the ground while shaking off the ash. He got quiet again.

"What's his name?" I said. I have always wanted people to ask my sister's name, sadly no one would. I sensed he wanted that too. He lifted his head and looked at me, dumbfounded.

"Dead Minguk." He said. I smiled. His face got brighter. "Do you have a sibling?"

"I do," I replied. He smiled back.

"What's their name?"

"Lunatic Hana." I said. 

"Lunatic Hana." He repeated. "That's the most beautiful name I've ever heard in my life."

**11\. "You can't love anything more than the thing you miss." -Foer**

My grandpa would make the most delicious cookies.

One time, I had wanted cookies from him, the one that's chocolate filled. He has prepared the dough, filled it in with intense care and put the tray in the oven with his shaking hands. All for me. Then we went inside the very intense smelling kitchen and have tried to take out the burning cookies out of the oven while inhaling carbon dioxide. You see what you did, grandpa has yelled at me that day. He has thrown the oven gloves to the floor without caring it would stain my mother's precious carpet. Who told you to put the goddamn strawberries into the oven?

Just like his cookies, his way of making himself the right one was also good and his aggressiveness was chronic. My mom always laughs while she tells this story. I was only three years old, my grandma was still alive at time. She died when I was five, I remember her, I don't know why. I was wearing a red sweater that my mom has knitted. We were sitting in their kitchen, I also still remember the unique smell of that kitchen. It would smell of rotten wood and old biscuit.

My grandma had a floury smell that was a mixture of these two. She had huge breasts, she would bend forward when walking. She wore neat conduroy and colourful v neck tricots. She would always cut her hair around her shoulders and use the same blonde haircolour. My mom would dye her hair. Now, whenever I smell a hairdye scent, I find myself sitting in that exact kitchen, with rotten woods and old biscuits. On that day, my mom had dyed my grandma's hair. They have wrapped her head with strech film they found in somewhere within the kitchen. There was my handcream on her cheeks, my mom always says. I don't know why she includes this detail. I think she likes the idea that something belong to her was sucked up in my grandma and now with her under earth. She never says it but she misses her a lot.

My grandpa has came from the grocery store, put the things he had bought to boards. In the mean time, my grandma had washed her hair, they had dried it and time has passed.

We have stayed over that night. Dad was out of the town for an art gallery. Grandma prepared lay and die food, for getting hungry at night. My grandma called it lay and die food. My mom had wanted toast with honey on top. She is always a bit intellectual. She has found a jar of pine honey. She has told my grandpa that he should buy flower honey instead, because it was healthier. Grandpa has started yelling to grandma, I had never bought pine honey in my entire life, where did you get this, why did you bring this to my house? They had fought for a while, then got quiet. I have got hungry later that night and when mom opened the cabinet to get me food she saw many jars filled with nuts. Jars of pine honey.

That kind of a man my grandpa was. If you were unlucky enough to get in a quarrel with him, in the end you would find yourself believing the things that he says and seeing yourself guilty. Then, one day, grandma died, because of cirrhosis. People keep dying because of many reasons. That made grandpa even more aggressive. More aggressive and forgetful. Some nights he would get up from his sleep and start ironing one of my dad's suits. When we asked him why was he doing that, because I have a wedding, he would open his eyes wide and answer, why are you even asking? I sometimes laughed and sometimes got scared. However, mom always smiled at him. Pardon me dad, she would respond, which one of your shoes you'll wear today? Is your shaving smooth? Then, when grandpa was prepearing he would made something up again. The main idea was always him meeting grandma. When I asked my mom why was grandpa forgetting everything, she said that he doesn't want to remember a world where your grandma isn't living in it.

Why I asked her, does he love granny so much? I don't know she answered, but your grandma adores him. My grandpa is a university graduate, a retired manager from a bank. Grandma only went to high school. They were going to make her marry a repairman from neighbourhood. She had a clever uncle though. When he saw that she didn't want to get married, he stopped them. My grandpa would pass her house every day. They have married when he was only a booking clerk. They travelled to many cities, lived many lives and went through a lot before he became a bank manager.

When he first became a manager, the luxury got into his head eventually. He had become alcoholic. He would come home wasted. My mom was often scared of him around that time. She would hide under blankets whenever he came home. My grandma however, would stay up late and wait for him to come back. In our house, there is a childhood photo of my mom from the day before her first day at school. They took a photo with her uniform on. Behind her, there is a small table and a jar on top of it. 'Money for yoghurt' it said at the front.

Grandma was the one controlling the family budget. She would put Money -whatever-was-left-behind- in that jar and bought yoghurt with it. Every night which grandpa came home drunk, she would make him vomit then feed him with yoghurt, without complaining a second. To get his stomach clean, to stop him from poisoning himself further, to prevent cirrhosis. She saved him from cirrhosis, but hadn't realized she was getting weaker and weaker. And got the disease herself. That's why I think grandpa is a man full of regret. Maybe its true that he didn't want to remember a life without grandma. But I feel like he didn't want to remember the life grandma was in. He only wanted to live that life again, from the start. Not leaving grandma behind in that hospital bed.

Because grandma's heart beated so loudly saying all the boing boing boing boing and boings, he didn't hear any of the chip chap chip chap chip chap chip and clash. And when the time came and those boing boings stopped on a hospital bed, him sleeping peacefully next to her, holding her hand, the only thing that was left behind was the colourful tricos and the broken pieces of fifty years old chip chaps. And that chip chap broke grandpa dearly, chip chap chip chap chip chap chip and clash. Broken pieces. 

**12\. I don’t want to miss a thing**  

"So?" I said. "You finished reading."

The only movement he made was closing his eyes. We were in an empty amphi. We have pulled one more chair behind his rostrum. He has taken off his goddamn white shirt wrapping his strong torso perfectly, and he was sitting with his black t-shirt that was pointing out his white arms. He have put his one elbow on the chair, he wasn't pulling his eyes away from me even just for a second, blinking only. That doesn't mean you are taking your eyes away from the thing you are staring though, that's a natural thing. He was staring, thumb at his lips. Pushing my limits.

"Yes," he mumbled after some quiet time. "I read it."

"Yes," I mumbled back. "Sorry for your disappointment but if you see now that I am not glowing like you thought I did, let me go. I suddenly got the urge to play Call Of Duty."

"Yes," He said again. "You aren't glowing." He sighed afterwards. My heart stopped beating. "You've passed glowing, I can't even look at you with my bare eyes." It started beating again. Boing boing.

"Stop doing that," I said. My voice sounded constipated.

"Doing what?" He asked. His index finger kept going back and forth on his lips.

"I understand everything the way my crotch wants," I kept staring at his lips like I was in some sort of a trans. "and I want to climb into your lap." his breathing hitched. He eyed my lips once more. "Also," I got chills. "you wanted me to write a part of my life, and I wrote about my grandparents. No fiction, no imaginary characters, not even a jot of literature. Everything is extremely real, I think you understand the deal the way your crotch wants too."

"My crotch only wants you." he said.

"I just came." I replied. He laughed.

"And everything that's ever written is real," he said. "as well."

"No- there is a thing called fiction, the author makes up the charac-"

"Everything that's ever written is real," he repeated. "Everything that's written is happening in somewhere."

"DON'T!" I shrieked. He opened his eyes wide. "The thing I can't stand the most in this world is the thought of universes." I explained. "Universes, universes, another person that's me, you, another universes, another another another and another. I hate them."

"Your traumas are getting interesting every time." He moved in his chair. "What's your problem with universes?"

"I don't want us to live in another universe." My lips got pursed a little. My shoulders moved up suddenly.

"Why?"

"Because we die," I said, "here."

He blinked, slowly. We looked at each other for a while. He, then, sighed. Something in his eyes sparkled while looking at me. "I wouldn't want to hurt," he said. "you."

No," I told him. "you would."

"Yes," he nodded. "I think you look a little pretty," He said. "when you are sad."

I laughed. He laughed. "I am afraid it's not more than what we learned," He said. "what we know. Everything we think we know before learning it, things we forget one day."

"That means in these millions of universes we live different lives with the same people."

"Absolutely."

"That sucks."

"Why?"

"Because in any of the universes I don't want to forget Lunatic Hana" his lips trembled. "And my mom and my dad and my grandpa and my grandma and Sehun and Jongdae and Chanyeol and Baekhyun and even that goddamn Minho and- and you."

"Me?"

"You."

"Why?"

"I love the boing boings," I said. I blinked my eyes slowly. "of my heart."

"Should we go to see a movie?" he asked.

"A movie?"

"A movie."

"Right now?"

"Right now."

My brows arched high. My heart beat faster. "Where did this come from?"

"If, one day, I'll have alzheimer, I felt like I would want to get up from my bed in the middle of the night to see a movie." He explained. "Because, I want to kiss you for the first time in a movie theater and definitely today." I moaned. A grunt escaped his chest. "Disappointment of this would kill me."

**13\. LOOKING TOO CLOSELY**

 Nothing happened. We went to see a movie together. He didn't fasten my seat belt for me but he bought me popcorn. We had such a sexual tension between us like the one that doesn't even let you communicate but he still annoyed me, messed up my hair and kept telling me that I'm too skinny. He picked a movie about cancer, at least we sat on a couch for couples, after that, like that's the whole purpose of us, we watched the movie. The movie theater was empty except for the other couple whose kissy kissy sounds were already mixed with the sound of the movie.

With that, I accepted the fact that he was only messing with me and started to watch the movie seriously this time. I was eating popcorn and not give a single glance at him. I knew he was staring at me though. His one arm was at the edge of the couch and the other hand between his legs. His eyes were locked on me while I was watching, laughing, crying, chip chap crying. It was around the last minutes of the movie, tears were flowing chip chap, I was cursing on all the cancer movies, there was salt and crusts of burned popcorn, my eyes were foggy. He lifted my chin up suddenly, pulled my face towards him.

"Are you crying?" He asked. I shrugged. "Why?" He asked this time.

"You chose a movie about cancer." I responded.

"Cancer?"

"You didn't watch even a bit?" I asked.

"No," He shook his head, his hand was still wrapped around my chin. He used his thumb to wipe the tear going down my cheek. He sighed.

"The film was not my main focus."

I lifted my brows angrily. "I wasn't-" I began and stopped, couldn't say anything else because his thumb slipped through my bottom lip and caressed it slowly. Then, the same thing at my top lip. He breathed in shakily without taking his eyes off my lips.

"I lied." He mumbled after that and came in closer to me. I closed my eyes and opened them again. His nose touched mine like a feather, his breath hit my lips. He wrapped his one hand around my waist. My shirt got lifted up, his fingers touched my skin. My back got stiffened and softened again. I made my way through his neck. He rubbed his nose and lips on my cheek. "I knew," His hot breath hit under my ear. "that I chose a movie about cancer." 

I shut my eyes, his thumb didn't stop moving around my waist. Up and down. "Why?" his lips brushed against my chin. "Why would you do that?"

"Because I lied before too." His breathing hitched. "You don't look a little pretty. You look so beautiful," I raised my hand and caught his collar. My insides shook. "when you get sad."

"Lying is bad, professor." I said with sarcasm. "You are an old man, even."

"I'm an old man." he said. "I'm an old man, I lie and I want you so bad."

I moaned louder. His hand clasped around my waist hard and he faltered. "I'm gonna kiss you one day." He got his hand under the fabric of my shirt. "My lips will swell from kissing you. I'm sure of it."

"Now," My head fell back with the feeling of his lips on my neck. "Do it now then."

"No," he leaned back, brushed on my lips and kiss my chin again. "I can't hear your flip flaps."

"I can't hear anything but my flip flaps." I said. His hand that was on my back fell off. I looked at his face with an obvious disappointment. "How can't you hear them?"

"I'm chip chap." He blinked with a sad look. He kissed my nose after that. Like my mom. "Because I'm full of chip chaps."

  **14\. I wanted you to feel good**  

“Bullshit!” I yelled holding my index finger high. “Do you call this winning? It’s pure bullshit!” 

Sehun threw the basketball to the side and splashed me with his water bottle. “Oh Sehun!” I hissed this time. “This was so uncalled for.”

“Yes dear.” He said smirking. “Either learn how to play or accept your loss.”

“Accept my loss?” I asked. “We settled for losing from the very start.”

“You insisted that it was unfair so we even let Chanyeol to be in your team.” Baekhyun said. “It’s not like you are shorter than 1.80.” 

“Jongdae was in our team.” I said. “It was impossible for us to win anyways. Chanyeol, you say something.”

“What am I supposed to say?” He threw the water battle on my lap. “All you had to do was to give a couple of goddamn passes. What’s there to say, you said it would take my stress away, but now I’m more stressed than ever.”

“Lan Kim Jongin.” Jongdae who turned to the field with couple of beers on his hand yelled at me from afar. “Did you just say something about me?” 

“Yes,” I nodded immediately. “Sehun got my shirt wet, Jongdae gets this wet I said,” he frowned. “when he sees you naked.”

“Hm.” He nodded. Sehun choked on his water. “I actually don’t see him naked.” He stopped talking. “Lan Oh Sehun.” He said this time. “Why don’t I ever see you naked?”

Baekhyun laughed. Chanyeol hit Sehun’s back. “For the first time in your life you said something correct.” Sehun said directly to me. “Any land Jongdae occupies is a loss from the start.”

“I’ll remember that.” Jongdae shook his head. He sat on the dirty floor between Sehun and me. One of the flies swirled around his head. Fireflies kept making noise. “You probably don’t even like me even a bit.” He spoke later. “What you are doing is called sin.”

“You are like a mixtape.” Sehun responded. “Even though we can’t go a step further, we always keep going back.”

“Did you piss inside this thing?” Chanyeol asked. “These beers are too damn warm.”

“Is that a pack of smokes in your pocket?” Baekhyun asked and leaned over to reach Chanyeol. “Give me one, I can’t find mine.”

“It’s because that pack is yours.” Chanyeol blinked.

“Did you take them so that I can’t find them?” 

“Yes,”

“Mixtape, hm?” Jongdae mumbled.

“My dad had them.” I joined. “He is keeping them in a wooden box that he drew on its case because he couldn’t paint it.”

“Mixtape.” Sehun mumbled.

“This beer is disgusting.” Chanyeol said.

“Don’t get me started on your beer and give me my pack.” Baekhyun insisted.

“Turns out he just didn’t rub the box enough.” I spoke.

“Have you even tried running it forward?” Jongdae asked. He looked serious for the first time ever. Sehun stayed quiet. We all stayed quiet.

“I’m trying to turn the pencil but the tape is resisting.” He said suddenly. His eyes looked furious. “What am I supposed to do?”

“Maybe it’s wrong to wait everything from a goddamn tape.” Jongdae snapped. “Also, I don’t remember you shoving a pencil up my ass.”

“Of course you don’t.” Sehun said. “You are used to act oblivious.”

“I’d have known if you shoved a pencil up my ass.” Jongdae said. His voice got higher. “Beer-“ Chanyeol began but Sehun stopped him. “Shut your damn mouth.” I drew closer to Baekhyun and put my chin on his shoulder.

Then, Sehun stood up. “Where you headed?” Baekhyun asked. He had a know-it-all smirk on his face. He always knows it all. “I’ll go to find the thickest pencil in the world.” Sehun yelled without looking back at us. He covered his blond hair with his hoodie and disappeared into the darkness. “And to anywhere far from a lying tape.”

Jongdae threw his beer at fences and collapsed on the floor.

“I don’t give a single fuck about your anger bursts.” Baekhyun said. “You kept resisting, it’s good that he stayed this long.”

“Just like my grandpa.” I said. “He managed to be the right one.”

“Lan Kim Jongin.” Jongdae groaned from where he lays. “Shut up or I’ll take my anger out on you.”

“Fuck off.” I said. “You are a piece of shit who doesn’t know what he wants. Take your anger out on me? You can’t do shit. Shorty.”

The rest was classical. When he wanted to jump on me, Chanyeol tripped him without even taking his mouth off of the beer he so complained about. Though he was aimed to choke me, he fell right before my feet. Like a fly.

“Go after him.” Baekhyun told me.

“Why me?” I asked. “Chanyeol has nothing to do. He should go.”

“If I don’t have anything to do, what do you have, dear?” Chanyeol asked.

“Nothing.” I replied. “I haven’t stated a condition for me yet.”

“Rejected ones understand each other.” Baekhyun said. “Get your fat ass up.”

“Lan Kim Jongin.” Jongdae spoke. “Sleep with one eye open if you have the mind.”

“Sure,” I said.

“This is such a mood for making jazz on the radio.” Chanyeol mumbled.

I turned to Baekhyun again. “Excuse me, who is the one that’s rejected?”

“You,” he said lifting his chin up. “He didn’t even kiss you.” 

“Is this what you got from everything I have told you?” I opened my eyes wide. “You are really a jerk who can’t produce hormones and doesn’t know what emotions are.”

“I’m not a jerk.” He said. “You are just a child. He was scared that you would cause him trouble, therefore you have been rejected. İdiot.”

I frowned. My lips got puckered up. “I’ve not been rejected.” I said. “We just… We postponed it.”

“Oh really?” He asked. His brows arched high with mockery. “To when? Send me an invitation when the time comes. I want to see it too.”

“You weren’t there.” I frowned harder. “You wouldn’t know.”

“Has he called you?” he asked.

“Today is Saturday.” I replied.

“Has he called you?” he repeated the question.

“We have lessons in week days.”

“Has he called you?”

I slowly blinked. “Now, get up.” He said. “You are going after Sehun.”

I got up with much moodiness. I left the field with the sounds of Chanyeol’s rhythmical mumbles and Jongdae’s curses following me. I found Sehun smoking on a bench, under a Street light that doesn’t work anymore.

“Hi dear,” I said. “It’s been a long time.”

He rolled his eyes yet opened a spot for me to sit. “You want some?” he asked showing me his cigarette.

“I don’t want any goddamn cigarettes from anyone.” I said opening my eyes wide. “I don’t smoke. I won’t smoke. Got it?”

He stayed quiet for a while. “I don’t think you understand the base of the matter.” He said then.

“Baekhyun is an ass.” I blinked. “He keeps saying I got rejected because my love Kyungsoo postponed our kiss a little.”

“Yes,” he said. “He keeps stealing my cigarettes too.” He started a rhythm with his foot. “Has he called you then?”

“OH MY DEAR GOD!” I flipped. “He is a thirty-five years old grown man. The guy is a professor. He probably even forgot how to flirt!”

“He keeps telling you that you are glowing.” He said. “I’d bet he knows kamasutra as well.”

I blinked. He blinked. We stared at each other in darkness.

“Jongdae knows.” I said suddenly. “That you are in love with him and this kills you.”

He sighed. Nodded, slowly. “That’s what kills me the most.” He said then. “That I know he knows I’m in love with him and this kills me.”

“That’s not something you can feel one sided any ways.” 

“My problem is not this.” He stared at the ground while shaking off his ash. “He knew even before I did, that’s the problem. I am only aware that I love him for three months.” He closed his eyes, opened them and looked at me. I wanted to kiss his cheeks to calm him, or put him to sleep by rubbing his back. My mom would do the same. “Me making peace with my love took me three months. He was aware of my love even before I was, do you know what that means?”

I shook my head. “That means he doesn’t want to make peace with me and my love.” He said. “For years.”

“Maybe.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Maybe he is just scared.”

He gave a laugh. A broken one. “I don’t know a single goddamn person who is not.”

“Are you also scared?”

“Aren’t you scared?”

“I am.” I slowly blinked. “I’m scared the most.”

He inhaled a one last strong hit. He put off it on the trash can next to him. He then, looked at me with a sad face. I wrapped my arm around his neck and pulled him closer. I rested my chin on his hair. He made himself comfortable and held my wrist.

We didn’t talk for the rest. Chanyeol’s rhythmical mumbles became louder and louder. “Everything’s gonna be okay.” Sehun said.

“Fine with me.” I replied. “Will you be in it?”

“There is always a possibility of things to turn out bad if I’m in it.” He said. “Should I still be in it?”

“Yes,” I said. “Because everything’s not okay.” I blinked. “And you are holding my wrist.”

He squeezed it. “I love it,” I said. “when people hold my wrist.”

“I drank so much beer.” Chanyeol yelled. “But I LOVE YOU GUYS SO FUCKING MUCH!” He jumped on us. We wrestled on the grass and on orange ground. A bug fell on my hair.

“I’m sorry I talked bad about your mouth.” Sehun said to Chanyeol. “You sing the most beautiful songs with it.”

“I never sung to you.” Chanyeol replied.

“Yes,” he said. “You sing the most beautiful songs with it.”

We lay down, stared at the stars. Chanyeol’s head on my lap, Sehun next to me.

“Hey you, bugs.” I said sometime.

“Hm?” Chanyeol mumbled.

“Everything’s gonna be okay.”

“Even if I’m in it?” Sehun asked.

“Because you are in it.”

**15\. I WANNA BE YOURS**  

“Are you planning on taking your sandwich?” My love Kyungsoo was right behind me in the food line and he was eyeing me and the sandwich that was before me. He has worn a white shirt under his dark blue blazer. His hair was neat on his head as always.

“No,” I said. I slowly blinked.

“Then, get out of my way.” 

“I don’t want to, professor.” I said. “Come and make me do it.” 

He rolled his eyes and tiredly looked around. He put his one hand in his pocket. “If you want my attention, just say so.”

“There isn’t a single day I don’t want your attention.” I blinked, very slowly. “And the days you give me what I want is too scarce.” 

He stared at me. We just looked at each other. He then leaned over, took my sandwich and walked away. We walked for a while, me behind. He entered his room and locked it behind me when I followed suit. He left the sandwich on his table. “Alright,” he said. “I’m listening.”

“I actually don’t need to say anything.” I swallowed. I reached for the pens on his desk without thinking. My lips got puckered up without my will. He eyed the pens and looked me in the eye once again. “You didn’t kiss me.”

“Yes,” he nodded. “This fact doesn’t give me sleep at nights.”

“And, you don’t look like you’ll kiss me anytime soon.”

“Maybe,” he said again. He took his coat off and left it on the sofa. He was left with his short sleeved white shirt that makes his white muscled arms obvious. “I’m trying.”

I shifted on my seat like I was constipated. “I mean, there is nothing I want to say.”

“Jongin.” He said. 

“My love.” I said. He raised his eyebrows. I shrugged. “I’ve always wanted to say this to someone.”

“Fine,” he nodded. “If you have a death wish, you can say it to other people.”

I raised my brows. My eyes grew wide, I couldn’t help it. “Baekhyun said that you blew me off because you were scared that I would cause you trouble.”

“What?” he laughed.

“Were you scared?” I leaned my head on my side.

“About you causing me trouble?”

“Yes,”

“Will you?”

“Yes,” I said. I nodded. “Definitely.”

His eyes darkened. “Take that pen away from your neck.” I put down the pen that I was rubbing behind my neck. “And button up your shirt.”

“Ew.” I frowned. “Are you really that type?”

“Ever since I have seen you with that white shirt I want to take you under me without giving a care about the location neither the time.” He said. I moaned. He closed his eyes. He pulled me closer by my waist and made me sit on his table, so fast I couldn’t help another, even stronger moan to escape. I moaned again. He pressed his lips onto my neck. I wrapped my legs around him. While sucking under my ear he grabbed my ass and made his way up inside my white shirt. My spine bent and I couldn’t breath for a second as a result of his touch. He sucked on my neck harder. His tongue met my skin and his nose touched mine when he kissed my chin. 

“Are you scared?” I asked heavily breathing.

“Do I look like a scared man?” He answered.

“My dad says, a man is a prisoner of what he is afraid of feeling.” I said. When he rubbed his crotch on mine, my head fell on his shoulder. He moved his hand on my tummy. He moaned feeling my muscles tightening under his touch. 

“Where did that come from?” He asked then.

“You never called.” He laughed. He kissed under my chin and neck, heavily breathing.

“Is this how this works,” He said, “right now?” 

I got closer to him when he kissed the side of my lip, my hands found his hair. “How did this would work before?” 

“I gave you time.” I put one of my hands under his shirt. When his back muscles tightened, I heard him moan. “For you to be sure and think about me.” He kissed my nose. “And, if that’s what makes you happy, I think about you before I sleep. For awhile now.”

Boing boing boing boing and boing.

“Only me?” My voice shook. He buried his head on the side of my neck this time. His mouth met my skin. “You don’t have any idea of yourself…” He said with a raspy voice. His kisses made their way through my shoulder. He undid one of the buttons and made the skin of my shoulder visible. “Nor the archness you make.”

I giggled. “There you go again.” He said pulling back. Our foreheads touched, his other hand grabbed me by the waist and held me there. “I’m aware of all of that.” He groaned. “Your look, your smile, all of them.”

I wanted to pull the sleeve up where it’s supposed to be, so I shook my shoulder. It made an opposite effect and revealed more, he moaned deeply. He pressed his manhood on my crotch. “If I took my sandwich when you told me to, would you still kiss me like this?” I tilt my head on one side. “I’m just trying to figure out if you would crawl your way to me without me seducing you.”

“It’s possible for me to have sex with you anytime, anywhere.” He laughed. He leaned on my forehead and sighed. “I have class.” He said. “Look what you made me do, is this something a thirty-five years old grown man would do?”

I giggled once again. His fingers trailed on my shoulder and collar bone. He slowly covered my shoulder. He did my buttons. “You are so warm.” He said while pulling away. “I don’t want to let you go.”

“I’ll laugh at Baekhyun’s face.”

He laughed. “Will I see you again?” I asked getting down the table. I eyed the tent on his pants. “You may want to cover your front.”

He rolled his eyes. “At six, in classroom two.” He said. “You are still keeping your promise. Just because I’m having sex with you doesn’t mean I bail out.”

“You are not having sex with me.” I said.

“Not yet.” He replies. Boing boing boing.

“I don’t have any class today. I’ll come back from home.” I said while leaving. “Do you want anything?”

He briefly looked at the corridor and wrapped his arm around me and smiled when he pressed his lips under my ear. “Keep the shirt on.” He breathed out next to my ear. “I’ll show you what will happen.”

  **16\. Beginning of our end**

“I’m sure he is not dead Jongin.” Baekhyun said. “You are aware that he is also not attending any of his classes, right? We would know if he were dead.”

“You don’t really have to try to calm me.” I said. I shifted a bit and made myself comfortable on both the couch and his lap. “Why are you trying to calm me anyways?”

“What do you mean why?”

“You usually say the most inappropriate thing.” I sniffed and shook my feet that were resting on Chanyeol’s lap who was currently playing his mandolin.

“Control your feet, man.” Chanyeol said. I put my tongue out at him.

“I’m saying what it’s need to be said not the inappropriate thing.” Baekhyun responded. He pulled away some hair from my face. He sighed and turned to the television. “We can’t protect you from everything. Sometimes you have to face things.”

“You never protect me from anything.” I said.

“There are plenty who do it already.”

“Where is Sehun? Why hasn’t he showed up yet?”

“I already told you he went to visit his mother for a week.” Chanyeol groaned. “Take your attention from your half minded, full roid professor and give it to us.”

“He went to visit his mother?” My eyes grew wide. “Watch your mouth when you are talking about my love Kyungsoo.”

“He missed his mother.” Baekhyun said. “Not everyone sleeps with his mommy everyday like you.”

“I’m not sleeping with my mom.” I said. “Everyone sleeps on their own beds.”

“It’s not necessary to sleep on the same bed to be together.”

“Is that how you guys sleep?” I raised my brows. “Chanyeol and you?”

“Nah,” he said without taking his eyes away from the television. “We’ve been sleeping on the same bed.” Chanyeol choked on water he was drinking. “Fuck off.” I said wheezing. He told me I should fuck off instead.

“Where is Jongdae?” I asked. “How could he miss that?”

“In his room.” He said and both of them started laughing. “He was choosing a funeral song last time I saw him.”

“What the hell?” I fake frowned. “Why is everything going downhill lately?”

“Just because you haven’t have sex with your fucker Professor yet doesn’t mean your life is ruined, grasshopper.” Chanyeol said. “If the guy knew you were miserable like this because he missed your classroom date he would marry you instantly.”

“Would he really?” Baekhyun rolled his eyes. “I can’t reach him for two days.” I said. “His phone is out of reach too. It’s not just about him blowing me off, really.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing important.” Baekhyun repeated. “And even if-“

He had to stop because of the loud noise. We all looked at Jongdae who was standing beside the door. He has thrown an old suitcase on the ground, he was holding his jacket and a leather notebook. His perfectly shaped eyebrows looked sad with an aim. He had a look on his face that shows he was in the middle of being constipated and badly hurt.

“I’m leaving.” He said swallowing hard.

“Yes dear,” Baekhyun said with a strong face. “I can see that.” When I looked up I saw him swallowing. “I just can’t see where to.”

“He won’t come back.” He shakily breathed. “I’m going after him.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Chanyeol asked. “Exams are coming up, of course he’ll come back.”

He shook his head. Tears fell down off his face, chip chap. 

“He won’t come back.” He repeated. Baekhyun swallowed once more.

“Why?” He asked.

Jongdae looked at him with shaky eyes. “Because he doesn’t want to.” He said. “He doesn’t want to come back.”

We stayed quie for a while. Even Baekhyun stayed quiet. Jongdae listened to our breathings, we listened to his chip chaps. Then, Baekhyun moved on his seat. His hand went in his pocket, took out his keys, threw them towards Jongdae. Jongdae caught them midair. “Go,” was the only word he said. Jongdae nodded. He grabbed the suitcase and left without looking back. A black fly landed on the dirty lamb. Its shadow darkened the carpet.

We stayed quiet some more. Chanyeol started playing his mandolin again.

“That was easy.” I said after minutes. A woman on television smashed a watermelon with his head. Impressive. “grabbing your suitcase and leaving.”

“It is.” Baekhyun said. His eyes looked empty. “If you know who is waiting for you on the other side, it’s always this easy.”

“What if no one is waiting?” I gulped. The woman smashed another watermelon. “On the other side.”

“Then, it means you left someone behind.” He said.

  **17\. ''You can’t be saying the hardest thing to say to yourself**  '' - **Foer**

**00:32 AM, Friday**

“Come here.” A tired breath left his heart shaped lips. 

“You shouldn’t be here!” I whispered hastily. My eyes were at their widest.

“I know. I shouldn’t be here.” He blinked. Slow and weary. “But come here, please.”

“My parents are in the next room!” I still climbed on the bed. On my knees. “Dear god, Why are you on my bed?! How did you get inside?”

“Your window was open.” He closed his eyes and reopened them. My heart was beating with a heavy burden, chip chap.

“No,” I shook my head. “It wasn’t.”

He sighed tiredly. “Your parent’s window was open.”

“You secretly wandered around our house?!” He nodded. He moved my pillow behind him. He opened his arms. “Come here.” He said again. Suddenly, my insides hurt. “Please.”

“How did you find my house?”I crawled to him.

“I’m misusing my authority.” He blinked.

“That’s so dangerous.” I whispered and fell on his arms. He wrapped his arms around me. He sighed like he was comfortable at last. Like he was holding it inside for days. He buried his face on my hair.

 

**01.10 AM, Friday**

“I missed you.” I said. He kissed my nape. A pair of pants fell from my open wardrobe. 

“Me too.” He said. “A lot.” He held my hand with one of his. I snuggled closer and pressed my face between his shoulder and head.

“I wish you called,” I said, “me.”

“I wish.” He said. I didn’t say anything. He didn’t say anything.

“My father died.” He said. I interlocked our hands.

 

**01:56 AM, Friday**

“The lamp of the living room got broken.” I raised my hand and put on his cheek. I kissed his cloudy eyes. His hair was all over my pillow. His hand on my back kept going back and forth. Up and down.

“He wanted to change it.” He closed his eyes and opened them again. “He was electrocuted.” He said. I kissed his chin. “There was no one to help him.”

I shut my eyes. He tightened his hold on my shirt. “They found him two days later.” He said. “His corpse.”

I caressed the hair on his nape, slowly. His hold got loose. 

“The last time I saw him was ten years ago.” My lashes hurt. Someone on the road started his motorcycle. “He had lost most of his hair.”

My chest tightened. “Ten years is a long time.”

“But, it’s just like yesterday.” He said. He laughed. Sour. “That night. Ten years ago that night. Do you know what was his last words?”

I shook my head. He laughed, this time hysterically. “Son of a bitch.” A dog barked.

 

**03.35 AM, Friday**

“I was sixteen.” I blinked. I played with his hair. “Minguk was born and my mother left. When he was three.”

I pressed his head on my chest. “He had a muscle disease.” He said. “We didn’t know it at first. It got worse and worse. He wasn’t even able to put his chin up, but he understood everything around him.” His hold tightened again. “My mother was a coward.” He spoke. “And she had a lover.”

“Minguk never forget her.” I kissed his hair. 

 

**03.56 AM, Friday**

“My father tore my diploma apart.” He said. “I was twenty-two years old. It was the day I graduated. We had a fight.”

He became smaller between my arms. He hugged me tighter. “I had made his new wife cry. He was so angry, so foul-mouthed and drunk. As always.” I closed my eyes. “I had realized I didn’t want to put up with him anymore. I left the house that night. Minguk was behind his door, looking at my face.”

My nose got wet. “My grandma gave me some cash.” He said. “She told me to run away with Minguk but I didn’t want to. I wanted to make a new start, for both of us. I talked to Minguk two days later. He secretly called me, he became so excited and told me he loved me so much. He trusted me. I started working at a café. I rented a room. I returned a week later. To get Minguk.”

Salty water burned my lips. “He told me that Minguk had died.” He said. I couldn’t breath. His shoulders were shaking. “Minguk had died,” he said. “in his sleep.”

Chip chap chip chap chip chap chip and clash.

 

**04.22 AM, Friday**

“I married the first woman.” I pressed my lips on his forehead. He held my wrist. “I married the first woman who said she trusted me. I was twenty-eight. I had just became an associate professor.”

I blinked, he squeezed my waist. My printer turned on and off. “She followed me everywhere, I thought I was going to die because of my love for her. She, then left me.”

“Did you go after her?”

“I didn’t.” He sighed. “She said I never loved her and was trying to put her in my mother’s place.”

“That was so-“ I began.

“Cruel and it hurt.” He closed his eyes. “Because it was real.”

I caressed the hair under my hand. I kissed his forehead again. He slid up on me. “Do you want to sleep?” I asked.

“I do.” He said. He pressed his face on my chest. “No chip chaps.” I smiled. “But I’m all over the place.”

“Then I’ll add some water.” I said. “And you become a clay.” He kissed my neck.

 

**05.30 AM, Friday**

“Do you know when my heart started going,” I blinked. “boing boing?”

“The first lesson?” He tiredly laughed.

“No,” I said. “You were the head of the drama club that time. I was in the club and I had left my script in the hall. I went back there to get it. You were at the stage.”

He squeezed my shirt again. “You were at the stage.” I repeated. “You read Shakespeare’s 66th sonnet first, then you cried.”

He stayed quiet. “I knew,” He said. “that you were there.”

“You showed me your wounds.” I said. “Why?”

“I saw them first.” He kissed my nape. “It was the first lesson. I wanted from all of you to write your future plans from bottom to the top. It was your last and biggest wish.” He said. “Making Lunatic Hana laugh.” I smiled.

**18\. CARELESS whisper**

 “Good morning dear.” My mom said. She pinched my cheek passing by. I rubbed my eye, scratched my ass and moved towards the milk sitting on the counter. “Good morning to you too mom.” I said.

“Good morning darling.” My dad said. “You should wash your face.”

“I will.” I replied. Then, I slightly turned back.

“Good morning Kyungsoo.” I closed my eyes and opened them back. “KYUNGSOO?!”

Kyungsoo laughed. “Please don’t yell.” He said. “It’s too early for that.”

“Do you want some honey?” My dad asked. He pushed the honey towards Kyungsoo. “It’s tasty to eat with toast.”

“MY DEAR GOD!” I screamed. “Jongin, my love please shut up.” My mom said.

“I actually don’t like sweet things.” Kyungsoo said. “But I want to try it now for some reason.”

“Oh my god.” My head fell back. “I’ve lost my mind.”

“Try adding some cheese.” My dad suggested. “The salty and sweet taste will combine.” 

“Eat your food dear.” My mom said. “Sit down.”

“I think you should open a café.” Kyungsoo said to my mom. “That was the greatest toast I’ve ever eaten.”

My mom smiled. “My retirement is just around the corner.” She said. “I’ll think about it.”

“Mom,” I said. “I have an explan-“

“My love, can you please sit down?”

She’s going to kill me, I said to very smiley Kyungsoo. Dear god, if only I didn’t want to kiss you even in this situation. “Mom,” I said again. “I know it looks very-“

“Jongin, sit down.”

“Mom, really-“

“JONGIN!”

“MY COMMANDER!”

She sighed. “It’s okay.”

“What?” I frowned. My shoulders fell in. “What do you mean it’s okay?” My dad left the table to refill his coffee.

“It means what you think it is.”

“You don’t care?” My eyes grew wide. “All of this?”

“No dear.” She shook her head.

“What about the fact that he is ten years older than me?”

Her brows frowned. “No,”

“Isn’t it important for you that he is my professor and teacher?”

She closed her eyes. “No,”

“How about him breaking into our house and sleeping on my bed?”

Her muscles tightened. “No,”

“What? Don’t you even care that I have sex with him?”

Kyungsoo choked. My dad turned to the other side. My mom inhaled deeply. “Jongin.” He said. “Sit down.”

I sat down, Kyungsoo gave me a look. “It’s actually more than ten years.” I said to my mom.

She sighed. “I already know all of these, darling.” She said.

“Did I tell you?”

“No,”

“Am I a sleep talker then?”

“No,” She repeated. “You are very quiet.”

“Are you psychic.”

“Of course not.”

“Oh no,” My hand found my chest. “You’ve met Kyungsoo before?”

“I’ve read your diary.” 

“What?” I screamed. “I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!”

“You write a diary?” Kyungsoo asked. He was having the time of his life.

“You don’t?” I turned to my mom. “Did you really do that to me?”

“I apologize for not being sorry.” She sighed. “But, I should mention that you become pretty good at this. It started to feel like a good novel after some time.”

“How long have you been doing this?” My throat hurt.

“Since you’ve started writing it.”

I hit my chest. My head fell back, my eyes grew wide. “Oh my god.” I said. “I’m gonna kill myself.”

“Please don’t.” she said. “Or this kind composure I’ve been trying to hold all morning will go to waste. I’ve been thinking about it since last night even.”

“This broke my heart.” I said. “I know you are dying inside, don’t lie because Kyungsoo is here.”

“It’s okay, really. I’m shook as well.” Kyungsoo said. “I’m aware that everything is so utopic. I understand if you start yelling.”

My dad sighed deeply. “The fact that you are a good guy makes it easier for us.” He said. “I’m glad.”

“Actually, he is a blackmailer.” I said to my dad.

“Jongin!” My mom screamed. Kyungsoo chocked.

“Okay, I was joking.” I said. My mom inhaled angrily.

“We were doing better before you woke up.” She said. “How is that possible?”

“Because no one told you that your little butterfly has grown up and he is now having sex.” I opened my eyes. “Can this be why?”

“Jongin!” My dad screamed this time. Kyungsoo got tomato red while coughing. A cat sat by the window.

“What?” I asked. “Did this break your heart, I always knew you had an oppa thing.”

“If that’s your revenge on us for reading your diary,” My dad began. “It’s not cool, dear.”

“YOU TOO?!” I yelled with disappointment. He closed his eyes. We stayed quiet. My mom leaned her head on her hand and closed her eyes.

“Actually we haven’t had sex yet.” I said.

“STOP IT!” Kyungsoo yelled. Mom made a squealing sound. 

“DON’T YELL YOU ARE SCARING ME!” I screamed. I blinked my eyes and turned to my dad this time.

“However, this shouldn’t make you happy. It seems close.” Kyungsoo hit his head on the table.

We stayed quiet for some more. “Is it okay?” I asked. My voice trembled. “For real?”

Mom flipped her hair. “Not gonna lie.” Dad said. “It hurts like hell.”

I closed my eyes slowly. “But I made a promise.” My mom said. “The day you were born. I promised not to keep you in my own hell.”

“And you look like you are in heaven.” My dad smiled. Kyungsoo breathed in. I smiled.

“How about- how about that-“ I played with the side of my shirt.

“Jongin.” My mom called. Her eyes looked sure for the first time in that morning. “I don’t care about anything but you.”

We didn’t say anything else.“Honey,” Kyungsoo spoke. “It’s really delicious with toast.”

**19\. “No one is like you, you are like no one too.” - Foer**

“I have a birth mark on my hip.” I slowly blinked. He kissed my palm. He closed his eyes when my fingertips touched his cheek. Or maybe he just felt like closing them. But I wanted to believe it was because of my fingertips. 

“So what?” he whispered. He shifted on my bed and pulled me closer to his body. “Everyone has them.”

“It’s a big one.” I said. “A cloud cluster bigger than my palm.” He blinked, his chest shook under my hand. I made eye contact with him. “It’s followed by smaller clouds. To my crotch. That big of a birth mark.”

“It goes to your crotch, hm.” He said. I slowly blinked.

“Yes,” I said. “Have you ever seen a birth mark that big?”

“No,” he said. “I’ve never seen a birth mark before.”

“But you said everyone has them.”

“Yes but,” he said. He slowly kissed my nose. “No one is like you, you are like no one too.”

I couldn’t help but smile. I put my hand on his neck.“You are a good reader.”

“Yes,” He smiled wider, kissed my cheek this time. “I see that you are too.”

“Mom says that it’s not a birth mark but a sun mark instead.” I sighed. “That’s why there is a biopsy scar on it.” He slowly kissed my neck.

“Biopsy?” I nodded.

“She has changed after Lunatic Hana.” I said. “We used to go to see a doctor every time I coughed. My birth mark made her anxious.”

When his lips trailed on my neck to under my ear, my eyes got shut. “What did the doctor say?” he mumbled. “Was it a birth mark or a sun mark?”

“A birth mark.” I said. I took his hand from my back and put it just above my hip. My back twisted. “But dad also says that it wasn’t there before.”

He kissed the side of my ear, I sighed. “So, it was a sun mark?”

“No,” His crotch made contact with mine. A moan escaped from my lips. “Dad says it’s the mark of Lunatic Hana.”

One side of his lips curled up. Our foreheads touched, our lips brushed against each other. My stomach burned with need. “He says, when someone took her away, she left those marks on me. That’s why they are there.”

He smiled one more time. My shoulders fell down. “I lied.” I said. “My dad doesn’t say that.”

His smile vanished. Something else turned on his eyes, deep, very deep, something different. “Still…” I opened my mouth to say something but I never did, because he pressed his lips on mine.

Hurricanes and tornadoes, hair dryers and blenders started screaming all at once. A dog barked, my lamp got broken and room turned dark. He sucked my bottom lip with no regret. The hotness, wetness and bite I felt, stung my crotch like a lightning. He kissed me with pure hunger, his tongue intertwined with mine, our teeth crashed. I moaned unabashedly, like he was kissing me like this for years and I want him to continue for years. My head met my pillow, he lay on me, held my head and kissed me deeper. When our crotches made a friction again, a groan was heard from him. I kissed him harder and pulled his hair. He moaned and bit my bottom lip. When our crotches rubbed against each other, a growl was escaped from his chest. I kissed him more intensely, wrapped my fingers around the hair on his nape, which resulted in him moaning and biting my bottom lip. Our tongues got entangled, I moaned harder. One of his hands explored my body and made its way under my shirt. His cold hands met my naked skin, I gasped for air. He brushed on my crotch again and poked my mouth with his tongue, sucked on my lips stronger and pulled back all of a sudden.

I closed my eyes while desperately rubbing against him with my hardness, I was moaning and breathing with want and desire. When I moved my hips to open my legs wider his head fell on my shoulder with lust. He raised his hand up and grabbed my waist and he didn’t realize how much being pressed down the bed by him turned me on. “Don’t move.” He moaned. He just lay on top of me, brushing my lips. He softly kissed my chin, brushed my hair back, pressed his lips on mine slowly. I moaned again. “I need to be sure.” He mumbled. “I’m rude, I’m cruel. I hurt myself and the others.” I looked at him with my out of focus eyes. “I’m hurting myself and when I’m hurt, I give others more pain. I don’t have any boundaries. I don’t care about what I’m or what I’ll become.”

I nodded, he rested his forehead on mine and kiss me once more. “Also, I’m old.” He said. “You, on the other hand, are too naïve. You can love someone else. You may get bored and tired. And, at that time, I may kill myself and cause you trouble.” I opened my mouth to speak but he didn’t let me say anything and shut me up with a kiss. “And, what I can give you is limited.” He gave out a crying noise, my heart hurt. Chip chap chip chap chip chap chip and clash. “Whatever’s left behind on my life time that I wasted thirty-five years of it.” He kissed my nose, slowly. “I can only give you my life.”

I thought I was going to die, my heart was about to explode from my chest. I caressed his hair with my hands. “At least,” I said. “you better live till you are eighty.”

He laughed.

He leaned down and kissed me again. He licked my chin and bit it. My penis was throbbing, my voice got higher and my head fell on the pillow again. “That’s really something no thirty-five years old would do. I’m having sex with you in your parent’s house.”

He slid his lips and tongue on my neck, when his hot mouth sucked up my skin I held onto his shirt. Realizing this, he immediately removed his shirt, I wrapped my arms around his naked torso. I touched his chest with my palm and when he felt my nails rubbing against him he groaned and caught my hand to move it to his stomach and even down. I caressed his groin, he stiffened and closed his eyes. “At least,” I said. “you are waiting until they are gone.”

He laughed but that was a cocky one. Suddenly, he slid down between my legs and caressed my inner thigh despite the fact that I was still in my pant. I wanted to close my legs. He rolled my shirt on my chest and pressed his wet mouth on my body. When the road he was following with his tongue made its way to my bellybutton, I pulled his hair and moved my hips. He sucked on my stomach and he slightly touched me with his fingers to make my insides tighten.

His hand was moving on me and my crotch like a ghost and that was driving me nuts. When I moaned because of the stimulation, he smirked and pulled my pants down. He took my naked legs and opened them without a warning and he caught my underwear with his teeth and pulled them up which resulted in making me more aroused. When I felt his teeth on my skin I wanted to press on my groin with need, my head fell back. He licked my inner thigh from one end to other and sucked on as much. He rubbed his other hand on my torso as a response to my moans and groans. The neediness inside me became more and more, I wanted to be satisfied and come. But like I was a toy, he kept kissing and sucking and licking my thighs.

He, then straightened up and kissed my mouth hungrily. I pulled him towards me and I moaned when I felt his hand moving down again. When he made his hand go inside my underwear I separated our kiss with coldness and tingle on my crotch. My head fell on the pillows and I closed my eyes. He wrapped his hands around my pulsing penis, my whole body tightened. He pressed his thumb on the wet and sensitive head and started moving his hand up and down. I screamed, he kissed my neck, showing a clear interest in me losing my mind. 

“Kyungso-hah!” I moaned with losing my breath with his hand movements on my cock. I grabbed the sheets of my bed. “My love.” Was his response. While kissing my neck and chin, he kept moving his hand intensely slow. When he started doing it faster, an ache and spasm hit my crotch, different parts of my body started reacting. He pressed his thumb at the tip and I screamed. Satisfied enough, he slowed down his moves and took his hand out of my underwear and pulled it down. He made me turn a bit to kiss the places the cloth has left. 

When my hungry and needy hands found his zipper to open it, he wanted to stop my fast hands but when he pressed my palm on his groin he couldn’t help a groan to escape. I slowly rubbed my hand on him, seeing him moving his hips because of the sensation and hearing him moan with a rusty voice made my dick throb harder and I pulled his pants down with a big force.

He took his underwear off and leaned on me. When our nude crotches made contact he buried his face on my neck. With an instinct, I wrapped my legs around him and captured his body. Shifting very slowly he earned a deep moan from me and he kissed my waist. He made me turn back and this time, sucked on my back. “This trim waistline.” He said almost growling. He held my cock one more time, squeezed its tip and laughed at my reaction to it. His lips moved from my back to my belly. “Do you know how much trouble it coast me every night?”

He rubbed his index finger on my length from tip to base and suddenly, pushed it to my hole. When my eyes grew wide I slightly moaned with the sweet sensation I felt in my entrance, but he only patted a little. He rubbed the wetness from my member to my hole and he scoffingly poked it. He were giving me pleasure without giving what I really wanted. 

When I reached and held his member without asking he jumped with surprised. With his frowned face and squinted eyes he buried his face on me. I rubbed the tip with my thumb and when I poked it with my nail he whimpered. “Jongin.” Aroused and want to hear more I grabbed him fully, rubbed and squeezed it. He let out a huskier moan. I moved very slow and gentle like he did, I rubbed his member from tip to base with as attention for a while. When he was on the verge of coming he escaped from me and he drove me wild with his next action, he put my member in his mouth. He poked me with his tongue just briefly and made me scream, strongly sucking the head. The ache in my stomach grew bigger and bigger and it started to hurt like hell and give pleasure equally. He took my whole length inside his mouth and enjoying my suffering, he smirked and started wobbling up and down. He pressed me down the bed when I shifted my body out of it. He continued his movements and when he sucked harder I cried out. Smirking, he sucked one last time and took me out of his mouth. He straightened up and wiped the side of his mouth with his thumb, he touched our foreheads. “Hmm...” he mumbled. He was briefly touching and patting my entrance.

“What do you want to do,”he asked, seemingly having fun. “Right at this moment?”

I closed my eyes and opened them again. “Sex.” I said and moaned when he squeezed my body. “And take you,” My hands found their way next to my head, my stomach turned. “inside of me. “

His eyes changed with my response and let me see the passion and lust. When he pushed one of his wet fingers in me all of a sudden, I moaned deeply. He moved his finger slowly, very slowly and stretched my insides, my head fell back and my mouth opened. When he felt he can, he pushed one more finger. He moved his fingers in different directions and finally found my prostate. A scream escaped from me and my waist jolted. He kissed my neck and continued stretching me. He was aware that I was not too tight and this was not going to be the first time I’ll be putting something as thick as him in me. My scream affected him in some way, and he leaned on me while grunting, “Lube…” 

He rubbed his cock on my entry and moaned with me. With an effort I reached for the drawer next to me. I couldn’t care less about him laughing at the dildos in my drawer. He lubed his member. When I reached and spread the lube on him with an instinct he whined. He held his member and put its head in me first, I closed my eyes and sighed heavily. He slowly moved forward and buried himself in me complately. When his head fell on my chest, we moaned together. He gently wrapped his hand on my cock and started going back and forth.

He kissed my neck then, my chin, my eyes, my lips, my hands. He kissed my wrist, my arms, my crotch. He kept kissing me everywhere when my eyes darkened with his every thrust. When my screams were echoing in my room. When I was on my knees and he was fucking me from behind. When my whole body shivered with orgasm. When I came to his hand and my stomach with a cry. He kept kissing me all the time. With a strong hit and a hard tremble, he came inside me in streams.

He lay on top off me without pulling out. My knees were still shaking, my whole body was sweaty and sticky. I had a big smile on my face. He kissed under my ear. He leaned back and kissed my lips again, then wrapped his arms around my torso. Laying there, we hugged each other, so tight. 

“Can you hear my boings boings now?” I asked him. I was about to fall asleep. A cat meowed. 

“I can’t.” This hurt me. He kissed my nape.

“Because my boings boings are louder,” He said. “than yours now.”

**20\. I’m okay with his face but I don’t want to have his sad eyes.**

 “Alright,” Jongdae said turning back over me. “What will happen if you make it to the orchestra?”

“Nothing.” Chanyeol responded, doing the same thing. “I’ll make it and that’s all.”

I pushed his head with the back of my hand. “You are on my view.” I said.

“Lan Kim Jongin.” Jongdae said. “You see your man every goddamn day already, we are talking about important stuff here.”

“Are you saying that the lesson of my love Kyungsoo is unimportant?”

“I’m saying your bullshit is unimportant.” He said. “You are not even listening to the lecture. You are just staring at the board and living the last night all over again.”

“A fly is buzzing.” I said. “Shut up already.”

“What-“

“Mr. Jongin.”

“Darling.”

All class burst out laughing. I closed my eyes. My love Kyungsoo turned to class with the pen on his hand. He put the cape on the pen and left it on his table. He put one of his hands on his hip and looked at us with intolerant eyes. “I don’t want to bother your conversation.” He said. “I don’t want my lesson to be bothered either. You and your friends, please continue outside of class.”

My eyes grew wide. I almost choked. Baekhyun started laughing at me from behind. I held my notebook and nodded. Jongdae got up cursing, Chanyeol followed suit.

“Lan Kim jongin.” He said when we finally left the class. “I thought you guys are having sex now?”

“No doubts.” I said angrily. “We are not anymore.”

“He kicked us out, man.” Chanyeol said. “What kind of a relationship is that?”

“It’s not like I was dying to be in his lessons.” I groaned. “Idealist jerk.”

Then, later that afternoon, I kept whining and Jongdae kept dragging me outside. We sat on grass, as always. Chanyeol took out his guitar. He put his plectrum between his lips. A ladybug sat on his leg. 

“Play something aggressive.” I said. “I don’t want to be calm.”

“Lan Kim Jongin, what even will happen if you get angry?” Jongdae asked me. “You are at the bottom. Crystal clear.”

“Mind your own damn business.” I said. “You couldn’t even get in Sehun’s pants.”

He frowned. “He doesn’t even communicate with me.” He said. “How am I supposed to do that?”

“I can’t say you did your best either.” Chanyeol said. He played with his guitar chord. “He is just playing hard to get since you two came back. If you make a pass on him you’ll end up on a pharmacist. To get a big bottle of lube.”

“Ew, ya nasty.” Jongdae said. “I really don’t want to discuss my sex life with you two.”

“Like there is anything to discuss.”

“Lan Kim Jongin!” He roared.“Do you wanna die?”

“Shut up so Chanyeol can play it.” I said. “He’s going into auditions, do you realize how important that is?”

“Not just any audition.” He dreamily smiled. “Audition for JLR Jazz orchestra.”

“That’s what I’m talking about.” Jongdae said. He patted the cat smelling grass next to him. “What will happen when you win the auditions?”

“Nothing.” He blinked. “I’ll just win it.”

“You’ll have to move to Seoul.” He looked hesitant. “Will you leave?”

He frowned. “Of course not.” He said. “I’m not going anywhere.”

My eyes grew wide. “Lan why are you getting into auditions then?”

“I never said I want to go.” He slowly blinked. “I just want to know if I’ll make it.”

Jongdae stood up. He started clapping. I pulled him back down. “You are really something.” Jongdae said. “You’ve really lost your mind, dude.” 

“Baekhyun will kill you.” I said. “He worked so hard for you to get in the auditions.”

He stood still then shrugged, quietly. He eyed the ground. I frowned.

“It’s about Baekhyun, isn’t it?” I slowly blinked. His eyes rested on his guitar. Jongdae didn’t say anything. “Do you realize,” I began. “How big of a decision this is?”

“Staying?” He smiled. Broken. “Not as much as leaving.”

“You’ve wanted to do this for your whole life.”

“No,” he shook his head. Sure of himself. “I’ve always wanted to stay with Baekhyun.” 

“Chanyeol…” I gasped. “What if this is your path?” He smiled. “If it’s my path,” he said. “we’ll eventually meet again.” I sighed. “I really don’t want it. I don’t even think about it either. I just want to know.”

“I underst-“

“Yes,” he nodded. “You understand me and that’s why you neglect the voice telling you I’m right. Look,” He hesitated. “When my father died he was seventy years old.” He began just a second later. “My mother was his third wife. Still to this day, everyone keeps talking about how much of a ladiesman he was. He was also rich, he would change clothes every day. However, he had one jacket that he didn’t leave behind, He gained lots of weight, couldn’t fit in the jacket anymore but he still wore it.”

My heart got broken. I nodded. “Then, one day.” He lowered his eyes. “One day he died. We decided on giving his clothes to charities. My mom stayed there with clothes, it was the jacket’s turn. We examined it carefully, nothing was special about it. But a photo fell from under the coat liner. From fifty years back.” He smiled. “He had loved a girl when he was twenty.” He said. “The girl was from a poor family so his father didn’t let them marry. He sew the photo of the girl in his jacket. He carried her with him for fifty year.”

I gasped. Chip chap. “My father earned everything and followed his own path Jongin.” He said. “But her place was permanent, always. One day every son will see his father on the mirror. I’m okay with his face but I don’t want to have his sad eyes. Understand?”

I didn’t say anything. They didn’t say anything. No one spoke. He started playing his guitar. Jongdae kept looking at the ground. I saw that he was thinking about many stuff, but we didn’t bring it up.

Sehun and Baekhyun showed up a bit later. They started walking towards us. Jongdae stood up. He ran. Fast as light. He jumped on a dumb-founded Sehun. In the middle of campus. He wrapped his legs around him and pressed his lips on Sehun’s. 

**21\. LOST ON YOU**  

“My love,” he said putting his hand on my waist. “Don’t be like this. Will you keep pulling face?”

“Yes,” I raised my brows. I waved my feet from where I sat on his table. “Of course I will.”

“Yeah?” He raised his brows. “How old are you?”

“Twenty-two. I’m young enough for this.”

“But I’m old.”

“You shouldn’t have chased me then.”

“You shouldn’t have seduced me then.”

“I seduced you?”

His eyes grew wide. “Of course.”

“You asked for it probably.” I shrugged. “You shouldn’t have let me.”

“It suited me.” He said mockingly. “I have a young lover, everybody wants that.”

“I think you are thirsty for blood.” I opened my eyes. Wider than ever.

He laughed. “Kidding.” He said. He grabbed me by the waist again. He fitted between my legs and pressed his lips on mine. “But I’m thirsty for you.” He said with a rusty voice, when he kissed my neck I bit my lip. “A lot.”

“I can’t leave the bed because of you.” I closed my eyes. “Didn’t I satisfy you enough last night?” 

He captured my lips once more, I let him kiss me any way he likes. I moaned when he bit my bottom lip and he moved his tongue in my mouth. “I won’t have sex with you in your room.” I said. Almost moaning. I made my thumb slip under his chin, I touched near his lips.

He raised his brows and leaned his forehead on mine. “Why not?” 

“What do you mean why not?” I raised my brows as well. “I have some principles of my own.”

“Your principles last three seconds.”

“Oh really?” I puckered up my lips. “Why is that?”

“One second is for me two lean and kiss you.” He eyed places. “I gave the other two seconds to you in advance.”

“I’m an adult who knows his boundaries and responsibilities.”

“You are?” He looked at me with mocking eyes. “Have you done the thing I told you to do two days ago?”

“You say lots of things.” I averted my gaze. “How am I supposed to know what are you talking about?”

“I told you to write your grandparent’s story in third person omniscient POV.” He raised his brows. “Don’t lie.”

“When did I ever lie to you?” I squinted my eyes. “Okay, I may not told you that Taemin is my ex-boyfriend.”

He squinted his eyes. “Okay, I may have told you that we were friends a long time ago.” He frowned. “Okkaaaayy.” I said this time. “I may have told you we don’t see each other anymore but dear god, we were only fifteen when we dated. We only held hands and ate ice cream. You know, we were just kids.”

He sighed. “Okay.” I said again. “We may have kissed a bit too. But all these happened seven years ago.” 

“We’ve already talked about all these. Don’t act fool now.” He rested his hands on the sides of my hips. “You haven’t done it, have you?” 

I puckered up my lips as I pouted. “I haven’t.” I said. “And I think this whole third person omniscient POV thing is bullshit.”

“Is it?” He raised his brows again. “Why?”

“Why would I want to know what god thinks?” I blinked. “Everyone wants to see a piece of themselves. We are all egoists.” 

“There will be time when you’ll need third person POV.” He said. “It’s difficult to write everything in first person.” 

“Alright, I’ll write it.” I shrugged. “Do you even read the other stuff I wrote? You made me write tons of things.”

“Of course I do.” He looked at me like I offended him.

“Why don’t you say anything then?”

He laughed. “Because I’m observing you my love.” He said. “I don’t know your boundaries yet, this will take time. I’m talking to you about what you lack, you know.”

“I feel like something is always lacking.”

“That feeling will not leave you for the rest of your life.” He said. “This is the same thing that makes you continue writing.”

I closed my eyes and reopened them. Slowly. “I want to write.” I said.

He smiled. “I know.”

“What if I can’t?”

“You can.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you want to.”

“What if I actually don’t.” I stared at him. Mistily. “What if the thing I actually like is to hold on to something?”

“You are holding on to me.” He said. “Already.”

“I’m afraid of Holden Copperfield.” I said, full honesty. “I don’t know what to send him. This will kill me.”

“Don’t be.” He smiled. Reluctantly. “You sent it. Already.”

“What?” My eyes grew wide. “Oh my god.” I held my cheeks. “What did you send?”

“Remember the note you wrote?” He slightly leaned back. “Professor. I don't have those things that do flip flaps inside of me. I'm afraid I lost the trust in myself that I can make the hearts go boing boing boing and boing. I can contain myself professor. I can contain myself and that breaks me more than any clumsy person can break any sapphire glass in the entire world.”

“You memorized it?” My lips trembled. Out of breath. 

“I did.”

“But why?”

“Because that was the only thing struck me out of all the other things as much as ‘goal 25. Making Lunatic Hana laugh’. Also, that writing made me sure about you. There is no reply. Not yet.”

“From me?”

“From those things that do flip flaps inside of you.”

“What if they are not there?”

“They are.”

“Have I told you about Lunatic Hana?”

“You have.”

“No.” I shook my head. “I haven’t.”

“You haven’t.” He said. “But I’ve listened to you many times.”

Boing boing boing boing and boing. “I have an urge to have sex.” I said. “All of a sudden.”

He kissed my nose first, then my lips. “I have that urge every goddamn day.”

“My parents are at home.” I moved out from between his arms and jumped off of his table. “Tonight. At your place.”

He nodded and kissed my neck. I reached the door and turned to him. “Are you checking my butt?”

He nodded without taking his eyes off. “Yes.” He said without any shame. “I adore them.”

**22\. “A perfect day for bananafish.” - Salinger**

**Wednesday, 10:30 PM**

“Noval tech-nics.” His head fell on the pillow as he groaned. I closed my eyes moaning as I bounced on him. “Count five.”

“Dear go-d.” I moaned, going up and down. I pulled my hand from his naked chest and held my own member. “Can’t we do this another time?” 

“We were supposed to be studying.” He grabbed my hips and made me move faster. I shifted my waist and held on his knees. I closed my eyes whining when he hit my prostate. When I couldn’t support myself any longer he didn’t push me and switched our places. He grabbed my member and closed his eyes when I moaned as response. I pressed my face on pillow, grasped the sheets and kept moaning like there is no tomorrow. As my moans mixed up with his groans he kept growing bigger, stretched my insides more and hit me harder. As hard for me to cry out and lose my mind every time he enters. When I finally came on his hand and my stomach while screaming and saying his name, he didn’t last long and came inside me. He fell on me with long moans, I moved his hair from his face.

“You seduced me.” He said and kissed my shoulder. “I should’ve tutored you not make you moan.”

“That’s a practice too.” I smiled with drowsiness and snuggled him. “It’s getting wilder.” He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer. “If you want to be able to walk in the morning, stop talking.” He said. I giggled and let him play with my hair. We lay down for a while. “There is still not an answer,” I said, “right?”

His chest tightened under my touch. “No,” he said. I moved away and looked him in the eye. I saw things in his eyes that made me uncomfortable. I frowned without my will. “He’s publishing a new book.” I said all of a sudden. He already knew that.

He raised his brows and smiled half-heartedly. The things in his eyes became more obvious. “Is he?”

I nodded. “It’s his fastest book, as I heard. It only took two months for him to write the novel.”

He smiled again. “Maybe he found his inspiration.” He said. “Maybe,” I said. Then I got quiet. I lowered my head and looked at his chest. He got tightened more as seconds passed. I slowly blinked. What I didn’t see before, became crystal clear to me. “It was you.” I said. I couldn’t swallow. He took a deep breath. I felt miserable. I looked up and saw his defeated eyes. “It’s you.”

He closed his eyes, reopened them and gulped. Chip chap chip chap chip chap chip and clash. “You are Holden Copperfield.”

He opened his mouth. “Jongin.” He began.

“Don’t talk.” I stopped him immediately. I felt like it’s too much. My eyes became watery. I shook my head. “Not now.”

I moved away from him and turned back. “Jongin.” He said again.

“Later.” I spoke like it wasn’t killing me. “Shut up and sleep, please.”

We slept. Like nothing happened and I just didn’t learn he is Holden Copperfield. We slept like I wasn’t trapped under the wreckage of everything I accepted. But also, we slept like all these happened, on the same bed but separate. In the morning, I left before he woke up and didn’t see him for the next three days.

Chip chap chip chap chip chap chip and clash.

 

**Saturday, 09:15 PM**

“Go back to where you came from!” I furiously shook my head. “Dear god! I still don’t want to talk to you!”

“I intended to give you time.” He stared at me and shook his head. He put his hand on the window, where my hand was. I pulled my hand away instantly. He rolled his eyes. “But, I have to do this.”

He jumped in my room. “We have a door, you know.” I said.

“It’s too late.” Ha said. “Your parents would get worried.”

“They get worried more when you come to my room through the window.” I clenched my teeth. I sat on my bed. “I want to scream.” I said angrily. “As I look at your face.”

“Scream only?”

“A punch too.”

He nodded, sighed and sat before me. “I miss this.” He said reaching for my face. I leaned back.

“That doesn’t change the fact that you lied to me.” I gulped. “Also, that is a kind of lie that makes me feel miserable. Feels like a lie. All in all.”

“My love.” He said and went around me to hold me between his arms and legs. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my temple. I rested my head on his shoulder, whining and shrugging. “I had to.”

“No, you weren’t.” I shook my head again. “You don’t have to do anything, any time. You told me this.”

“I was being unfair.” He said. “You’re right.”

“You didn’t trust me.”

“What?”

“I said-“

“Stop it.” He said without missing a beat. “You know that’s not the case.”

I stayed quiet. We stayed quiet for a while. I slowly gulped. “It was holding me up.” I mumbled. Silently. “I realized that, even though I always said I don’t believe I can be chosen by Holden Copperfield, deep down, I did. And it was holding me up Kyungsoo.” I closed my eyes.“I saw that when I fell down.”

“I was afraid of this.” He said shakily. “Only this.”

“I believed in.” I said. “That I have those flappy things.”

“Babe.” He called. He kissed my hair. “You already do.”

I shook my head. A droplet fell on my lips. Salty.

“It was five years ago.” He said. “I was recently dumped when I got this idea five years ago. I happened to write the novel that made me famous around that time. Writing kept me on my feet.” He sighed. “I was helped.” He said. “Despite everything.”

I eyed my hands. He kissed my hair. “I wanted to see that it was helping others too. Someone holding onto me. Like me.” He didn’t say anything else for some time, or maybe he was waiting for me to talk. I don’t know. “The first two years was a total disaster.” He, then said. “All the letters had a purpose to amaze me. That’s how I started on this student hunt. I felt like if I knew who the sender was I would understand what they meant more but I couldn’t find what I was looking for, for two whole years. Then it was your turn. I knew from the very start that you were the one I was looking for. And I was aware.” I gulped. “I was aware that I needed to push you.”

“Why did you use the tutoring as an excuse?”

“I didn’t know you would be effected this much.” He said. “That day, in that lesson, I saw that while trying to lift you up, I was pushing you down. Telling you I was Holden Copperfield could’ve scared you. I wanted to earn your trust first.”

“And you achieved it.” My voice sounded grumpy. He laughed.

“Yes,” He said. “I’m the best at my job.”

“Then, I didn’t know how to tell you all this. It was bugging me for some time now. But I realized that I always knew you would understand it by yourself.”

“How so?”

“Because you don’t have to speak for me to understand you.” He said. “No heart can do this on its own.”

“I’m not buying it.” He laughed again. “What will happen now?”

“Nothing, actually.” I hesitated. “At least it means nothing since yesterday.”

I frowned, turned to him instantly. “What happened?”

He avoided eye contact. “Deanship learned.”

“THAT YOU ARE HOLDEN COPPERFIELD?” I lost my mind.

“No.”

“THAT YOU ARE GAY?”

“No.”

“THAT WE ARE HAVING SEX?”

“No.” He repeated. “Can you please stop yelling?”

“HOW CAN I?” I asked. “YOU ARE HOLDEN COPPERFIELD AND GAY AND WE ARE HAVING SEX!” 

“And no one knows these!” he sighed. “About the blackmailing.” I closed my eyes. “They learned that I was the one who sent them.”

I whined like a child while feeling down. “I knew it!” I blurted. “I knew this was gonna happen sooner or later!”

“Oh really?” He mocked me. “You didn’t seem like.”

“I feel ill.” I held my head. “You are a thirty-five years old grown up man! Didn’t you feel any shame when you blackmailed those students!”

“This was more fun.” He said. He opened his eyes wide. “How was I supposed to know it was going to blow up. I had planned everything perfectly even.”

“Yeah, I can tell. It looks great.” I closed my eyes again. “You’re gonna rott in jail. I’ll waste my life providing you clean laundry.”

“Nope.” He stopped me. “They don’t want to make a scene. They asked me to resign with my own will.”

“What?” My eyes opened up. “Really?”

“Yes.” He nodded.

“So?” I scowled. “How are you going to live now?”

“Did you forget already?” He said playfully. “I am Holden Copperfield. I have shit ton of money.”

“STUPID!” I screamed. “THAT WAS SUCH A-“

“Dick move.”

“YES!”

“Good.” He said. “I’m a dick. But I’ll die for you.”

“Oh.” When I couldn’t stop my giggle I opened my neck for him. He laughed like he couldn’t stand still and leaned down to kiss me. “You’ll kill me one day.” He said and dived into my neck. He kissed me repeatedly, I sighed and hugged him.

“I’m serious.” I said after that, pulled back a little. “Will you just resign like that?”

“I don’t care about it anymore anyways.” He said. “I love my job but I won’t teach again till I tell the world I’m Holden.” 

“In another place?” I gulped.

He nodded. “There is no point in staying here any longer.” He said. “I’ll wait for your graduation, that’s all.”

“You want to go?” My voice trembled. “From here?”

He looked at me in the eye. He looked. Looked. Looked. He sighed and kissed my eyes. “Babe, you are so naïve.” He said patting my hair. “You are so young and flappy. I swear to god.” I hid my eyes. “This town is too small.” He said then. “This place is too small, you are full of life.”

My gulps became often. “It would be too much to ask you to come with me.” He confessed. “But I want you to come with me.”

My eyes became watery again. He kissed my lips once more. “There are other worlds. Huge and each one of them is different than the other.” He said. “Your inside is bigger than any of them. There are other worlds and if you don’t leave, your flip flaps will kill you here.”

Your flip flaps will kill you here, your flip flaps will kill you here, your flip flaps will kill you here. 

Let your flip flaps free. Your flip flaps will kill you here.

**23\. “I’m sorry to hurt you. It was a coward way to hurt myself.” - Salinger**

  **Monday, 08:48 PM**

“Oh my god.” My eyes grew wide with fear. “What’s going on here?” a war scene was happening right before my eyes.

“They are fighting.” Jongdae said. He was standing, holding his head up with his one arm, watching the scene.

“It’s quite a serious one.” Sehun added. His hand was around his own waist. 

“YOU DUMB PIECE OF SHIT!” Baekhyun screamed at the top of his lungs. “I WILL NOT LOOK BACK AT YOUR DEAD BODY IN ANY FUCKING DAY!”

I opened my eyes wider. I raised my brows. “What the hell is going on here, man?”

Jongdae winced with the spoon hitting Chanyeol’s face. “Chanyeol,” he began. “He won the auditions.”

“And he is not going.” Sehun completed Jongdae’s statement. 

“So?” I asked frowning. “We knew that already.”

“YOU DON’T EVEN GIVE A SINGLE FUCK ABOUT ME!” Chanyeol yelled back. He opened his arms and laughed hysterically. “BUT AT LEAST LEAVE THIS DECISION TO ME! LET ME DIE NEXT TO YOU!”

“Baekhyun had no idea.” Jongdae said. “He flipped.”

“I see that.” I said and in that very moment, things changed for Chanyeol. Baekhyun threw a punch at him. A very hard one. Chanyeol fell down. We reached for them. Baekhyun sat on him and punched again. I flew towards them. My hand caught his leg. Baekhyun started crying. We all froze. I let go.

“FUCK OFF OKAY!” he cried out, a sob escaped his lips. I couldn’t move for seconds. Jongdae looked at me in shock. “YOU HAVE A PATH!” he screamed. My eyes closed automatically. “YOU HAVE YOUR OWN PATH! YOU CAN FEEL IT!” He wrapped his hands around the collars of a shocked Chanyeol. He pulled him up and cried harder leaning on him. “You can feel it” he sobbed. His shoulders were shaking. I couldn’t gulp. “You have no idea, what it’s like to seeking but never finding.” He wiped his face with the back of his hand. “You don’t know what it’s like!” His voice sounded so desperate. His sobs, like it would kill him if he didn’t poured them out. Chanyeol was the first one to notice this. He sat up and caught Baekhyun’s mirror of his misery hands, held his head and pressed him on his chest. He started crying, just like him. Chip chap.

Baekhyun buried his face fully and continued sobbing, on his lap, like a child. It was the very first time seeing him so needy and vulnerable. Water burned the wounds on my lips. Salty. I collapsed on the floor. Next to Jongdae and Sehun.

“Lan Kim Jongin.” Jongdae called after sobbing some more. “Why are you crying?”

“You.” I said crying. “The same reason with you.”

“Lan Kim Jongin.” He called again shrugging. Him sniffing mixed with Sehun’s averting his gaze. “That was the gayest shit I’ve ever heard.”

We just sat there and cried for couple of hours. Like a life time but so little. Baekhyun calmed down and stayed quiet, we all did. We sat without saying anything for one more hour. “Close the window.” Baekhyun spoke first. He broke the silence and pointed at me with his foot. “This idiot will catch a cold.”

 

**Wednesday 03:35 PM**

“There is a guy who reads stuff in class.” Baekhyun said. He nibbled on something. We were sitting on the garden wall. Chanyeol was off to get coffee. Jongdae and Sehun were nowhere to be found. “You say your birth date and he chooses something then reads it to you.” There was a blank stare on his eyes and tiredness on his uneven on spots brows. He always has a tired look on his face. He put out his cigarette. “He is just an asshole who doesn’t know what he says. I don’t like him for shit.”

“Yes,” I said. “I saw him.”

“He talked about a thing called ‘Syberia Histeria’.” He said. “Look what he told me, imagine yourself, you are a farmer in Siberia who lives alone. You’re cultivating every single day because you are a useless peace of shit. You are working and working, there is nothing in sight. Horizon in North, horizon in east, in west, in south, everything’s the same.” He paused to have a hit from his cigarette and stared at the white building opposite him. “Every day with sunrise you go to cultivate. When the sun goes up you get a lunch break and when it goes down you go home to rest. And something inside of you dies, if there is anything left to die.” 

“Is this all real?”

“How the fuck should I know. Just listen.” He shook his head. “Then, one day you leave all the work and start going towards the west. Like an obsessed person you keep going without eating, drinking or resting until you die.” He inhaled a deep hit. “That’s what he read to me.” He said. “Sick bastard.”

I felt uneasy. “Don’t talk to him ever again.” I said. “Talk to me instead. I’ll tell you disturbing stuff.” 

“Sure.” He said. “What’s with you for the past couple of days? You act like you need to take a shit.”

“I need to take a shit.”

“Tell me already.”

I blinked. “Kyungsoo wants me to leave with him.”

He did a double take. He took the cigarette from his lips and stared at me. Frowning. I sighed. “Not now, of course.” I said. “But he wants to leave and, I know it’s stupid-“

“Remember what you wrote on that board?”

“What?”

“Get off that suitcase you bastard, you wrote that day. Those pants are not yours.”

I frowned. He smiled. Both of us Half-heartedly.“I remember.”

“In this motherfucking world your whole life is spent on trying to find the right suitcase. You see what I mean?” He spoke suddenly. “They are all either too small or too big. You are always told to find the right suitcase. You sometimes find the one or you just kick the bucket in the middle of a street without finding it. And do you know what they say?” He looked me in the eyes. “You are not allowed to take your suitcase with you. You can’t take even a single cloth with you.” I laughed, he laughed with me. “That suitcase only comes to existence when you have the courage to leave. If you have the power to take it out of the closet please pack it without putting anything inside. It takes a lot of courage to not putting anything inside a suitcase.” He smoked another hit. “You can travel without your phone for days. Without any cloths you can only travel for seven days at most. If you don’t pack anything with you, that either means you know where you are headed or who is waiting for you on the other side.”

“What if no one is waiting for me?”

“Then they are with you, on the way home.” He put out his cigarette. “Your life will be wasted with the people telling you to find the right suitcase and you’ll just perish and won’t be able to take your luggage with you. It doesn’t matter if that’s the right one or not. Take your suitcase while you still can. Because the suitcase is not the thing that has to be correct, it’s you.”

I blinked my eyes, bloomy. He laughed and took my head under his arm. I held his wrist and hugged him. We sat there like this. I hugged him. Actually he was the one hugging me too. “Do you see that?” he said moments later. He held up his index finger and pointed ahead of us. “The west. The horizon line.”

I scowled and looked at the white building he’s pointing at. “The what?”

He laughed again. “That’s what I thought.”

**24\. “Where ever you go, you’ll always be home.” Salinger**  

“Baekhyun’s gone.” My dad wiped the tear from my face. He combed back my hair and sat on the sunbed next to me. It was an old sunbed my mom got it from my grandparent’s old summer house. We don’t have a pool. Whenever someone sat on it, the air smells like pool though.

“To where?”

“I don’t know.” I shook my head in sorrow and sobbed. “Sehun called me just now.”

“Do you want me to drive you to somewhere?”

“No.” I buried my face on my knees. “Chanyeol’s searching for him. They told me to stay home.”

“Everything’s gonna be okay.” He said.

“I know.” I said back. “Chanyeol will find him. Chanyeol always finds him.”

He nodded. Pulled out a cigarette from his pocket and put it between his lips. I looked at him in disbelief.

“You’re smoking?”

“Tonight, yes.” My mom answered my question. Then, a sound of a wheel came to hear. She left in before me. A suitcase.

I gulped down. A new suitcase.

She collapsed behind me and lit a cigarette. “We figured that we never got you your own suitcase.” Dad said. He smoked a hit. “Because we never gave you a chance to leave.”

I stayed quiet. Chip chap. I didn’t say anything. We didn’t talk, for a long time. Cigarettes came one after another.

“You really need to stop reading my diary.” I said.

“Yes my love.” Mom said.

“Where ever you go,” she said then, “You’ll always be home.” 

Then, she kissed my nose. 

**25\. “The train that doesn’t go to West. That’s a rose."**  

“Do you know where Chanyeol found him?” He raised his eyebrows and held the orange he’s peeling for me to take. Sunset fell on the newly made ground. A cat jumped over the fence. The sunbed groaned under me. The smell of pool was given off. “At the train station.”

“Was he waiting for a train?” He asked.

I shook my head. “He was waiting for chanyeol.”

“Chanyeol?”

We stayed quiet. “Why was he waiting for Chanyeol in a train station?”

I blinked my eyes. “Because that day, none of the trains were going to west.” I said. “And no one was waiting for him on the other side.”

He chewed on his orange. Slowly. A droplet of orange fell from his heart shaped lips to the concrete floor my dad made. It’ll stay there forever.

“What was there before the concrete?” He asked. “A sapling?

“A rose.”

“So, a sapling of a rose?”

“No,” I said. “A rose.”

He blinked. A smile formed on his lips. Very slowly.

**a/end. MAKING LUNATIC HANA LAUGH**  

-“I will not get a heaven phone.”

** “You won’t? Why not?” **

-“Why not? Mm, you know, because I don’t want a phone.”

** “What about me? We won’t be able to see each other anymore.” **

-“Never?”

** “Never.” **

-“…”

** “It’ll be tough.” **

-“It’ll be very tough.”

** “You will not want to hear my voice?” **

-“I will. There will not be a goddamn day that I won’t miss you.”

** “Then, how are you going to find me if you don’t have a heaven phone?” **

-“I don’t need your silhouette to see your face and I don’t need a heaven phone to hear your voice.”

** “How’s that gonna happen?” **

-“I hear your every laugh, here, in my heart. Each and every one of them.”

** “What about my tears? Do you hear them too?” **

-“I adore them.”

** “…” **

-“Don’t cry.”

** “What if god will get bored from my tears and send me back to earth? Will you be there?” **

-“I don’t need to stay in one place for you to find me. I’m always here. In your heart.”

** “You won’t stay in a place.” **

-“I won’t.”

** “…” **

-“Don’t cry.”

** “What if I can’t find you? Can’t you stay there for me?” **

-“I can’t.”

** “Why not?” **

-“I have flip flaps. Because I’m full of flip flaps.”

 

-Making Lunatic Hana Laugh, Chapter IV

© 2024, Margherita Publishing, K. Jongin

 

_**-THE END-** _

_**-** **Universes, universes, another person that's me, you, another universes, another another another and another.-** _  

**Author's Note:**

> AUTHOR’S NOTE
> 
> There are few things I feel like I have to say. First of all, if you read it until here and you let my story be real I’m really grateful and I want to thank you, with all my heart. I’ve been writing Turkish fanfiction for almost five years now and this one is the one I love the most, this is also the one wounded me the most because I put so much from me into it.
> 
> The story of Chanbaek is deeper than it looks. Baekhyun is a lost soul, simply because he doesn’t know what he should live for. One day, they go to the beach and Baekhyun just stares at the horizon, and goes into the water knee deep without realizing. That’s the first time Chanyeol scares for Baekhyun. Then, Chanyeol takes Baekhyun’s hand and holds it tight, so tight. With this, Baekhyun comes back to his senses and goes back home with him. I’m not sure how much of it was reflected in the story but only time he doesn’t see the horizon line is when he holds Chanyeol’s hand. At first, in the original outline, Baekhyun keeps telling he turned back half-way from the water and eventually takes his own life. That’s why the song of Chanyeol is called ‘On the edge of Baekhyun.’ Some characters don’t let you kill them. Baekhyun chose to live and kept searching. Margherita publishing where Jongin published his book belongs to Baekhyun. The end of Baekhyun is up to your imagination but I like to think of him as a man who helps his bestfriends to achieve their goals while he looks for a goal himself, and also as a man who orders two supreme and one margherita pizza whenever he calls to order.
> 
> Sehun published his first poem book, its title is ‘mixed tape’. He is often seen in drunken places where Jongdae loses himself and in places with his buddies. He is grateful for even not being alone in bed at nights. No one knows why Kim Jongdae who is a newly docent asks questions about clearly Korean literature books ‘Making Hana Laugh’ and ‘Mixed Tape’ for English Literature final.
> 
> Lastly, I want to mention why Jongin’s dad covered the rose with concrete. He was actually growing those roses for his children and when he emphasized on the fact that those were roses not saplings, he was actually talking about the inefficiency Jongin was feeling. When Jongin decided on leaving with Kyungsoo as an adult, he didn’t want to grow that rose anymore. He had already grown the most precious rose.
> 
> And I feel like this story is my most precious rose. I want to thank my dear translator for giving me the opportunity to make this story meet readers in a different language and working hard to not change the content and crossing my path in the first place. And also thank you to the fest crew for their efforts and acceptance. 
> 
> I wish you a life where you get to find the right suitcase. Take care, xoxo.


End file.
